I wrote an Episode of "Criminal Minds"

We're gonna profile the HELL out of this blog!

I got a secret: I love the CBS crime drama Criminal Minds.

I don't know when I specifically started liking this show above other crime dramas. I think it has to do with the whole game of psychological "cat n mouse" they play with their suspects. Or it could be the fact that they have a cute nerd who does their fact checking. Either way, I love the show so much, the producers decided that as a thanks, they're gonna let me write an episode.
We're gonna profile the HELL out of this blog!
 It was actually fairly easy. I think it's going to be really interesting, while still maintaining the unique nature of the show. It's still in pre-production, but here's a quick clip from the script to get people excited. This is the team discussing their latest UnSub ("unknown subject") in a very detailed manner


SCENE: Quantico: BAU headquarters



Gideon (voiceover): Woody Allen once said, "Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."



Hotchner: *In front of their information board* Blah blah blah blah Series of brutal abductions/rapes/murders/arsons/bombings in a town called blah


Reid: Blah blah blah blah SEXUAL SADISM blah blah MALIGNANT NARCISSISM blah


Prentiss: Sounds like a Blah blah blah blah He has to blah blah blah to establish his blah.


Reid: TED BUNDY used to blah blah something something blah blah to his victims too.


Gideon: *looks at the board very poignantly as he realizes...* .... Blah....


Morgan: Just got a call from something something precinct. They said something something something about something something something.

Hotchner: .... Lets move!


END SCENE


***


Powerful stuff huh? Later on, the team begins to zero in on the UnSub and the real excitement begins.


SCENE: Team is on the move


*Morgan's Cell phone rings. It's Garcia*


Garcia:Blah blah blah FEDERAL LAW ENFORCEMENT FBI CIA JOINT TACTICAL DATABASE and found something something CROSSED REFERENCED IT WITH OUR something something and found blah blah blah blah his name is GUY MCPERSON he lives at 5555 Location Place

SUDDEN SCENE SHIFT: Cabin in the middle of the woods (because it is ALWAYS a cabin in the woods)

*FBI van moves in. As it does, a scuzzy, raggedly dressed 20 something male runs from the house and attempts to flee. This is Guy McPerson, our unsub. Morgan and Hotchner chase on foot while the rest of the team secure the cabin.*


*The Unsub tries to lose his tail, but eventually is subdued and taken down by Hotchner*


Hotchner: Blah blah blah innocent people blah blah what the HELL is wrong with you?


McPerson: Blah blah blah WHORES AND SLUTS WHO NEEDED TO BE PUNISHED... BLAH!


End SCENE


SCENE: exterior Shot of FBI jet


Gideon (voiceover): "The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."-- George Carlin... blah

 EXUENT

***

So what do you guys think? I think the cast is really excited...





I’m just playing Criminal minds, you know I love you!

Also... Penelope Garcia is teh sexxxy!

G4 Poll Questions: TMI

Lets take a break from current events to talk about something that has been bothering me a lot lately. Online poll questions have been a standard of television for a while now. And no one seems to realize this more than the good people at G4TV (known as the home of games, gadgets and gigabytes). While watching a recorded episode of X-play, I noticed a poll question on its ticker, which asked "On what console will you play Dragon Age: Origins?"


I must have read the same question from G4 over a countless number of games. Then suddenly, it dawned on me:

Why the hell should anyone care what console that I play a game on?

Lets go through the logic of this question for a moment. I wholeheartedly do not see a problem with poll questions involving video games. Questions like "which game was better" or "which new console do you plan on buying" is a sure-fire way to start a forum discussion (or flame-war, which in some cases is just as fun). And even some, like "would Master Chief totally kick Marcus Fenix's ass" are the bread and butter of many flame soldiers.

Even so, asking what console I will play a game on is ultimately futile for several reasons.

It assumes that many people have a choice in the matter when they simply do not. A good percentage of the G4 viewing audience are underage, and therefore must rely on their parents' aid for their major purchases. Therefore, if their parents are unable or simply unwilling to buy them more that one console, then they have no choice.

Not to mention all the adults who only own one console. Aside from the obvious "I can't afford two consoles" line, many adult gamers simply don't care to own more that one. They have a lot on their plates, be it work, college, or simply having a social life. A question like "what console will you wasted 80 hours of your life on" is simply incomprehensible to them. On the other hand, many of them are still products of the "Console Wars" of the 90's; the hardcore faithful who will only stick with one console even if their body is battered away and their bones ground to dust.

Now lets talk of the ones who can own more than one console and play them all with regularity. A question like "which console to play a game on" will, of course, matter to them. If they prefer graphics, they will no doubt go with the PS3. If they don't care about graphics but want better online support, they'll most likely go with the 360 (and if they're thick they'll go with the WII! OH snap!).

Now this is a very important decision to them no doubt, and the choice they make will definitely affect their experience with the content (some games will even limit certain content to certain console versions). Even with this reality in mind, one question remains: why the fuck should G4 or anyone else care what version of a game I'm playing?

It really comes off as insincere and borderline intrusive that G4 wants to know what device I use to do anything. It's like that guy at GameCrazy who asks, "what consoles do I play" in that monotone voice because he really doesn't care but asks anyway because his boss told him to be "friendly" with the customers. And if you really care to tell total strangers what console you play anything on, you're an arrogant prick.

When OnLive comes out it's going to eviscerate the planet in a super-nova of win anyway.

Barack Obama: Jimmy Carter 2?

An interesting article from CNN this morning about Barack Hussein Obama, AKA the unofficial sequel to Jimmy Carter (allegedly).

To some, said Tulane University political scientist Thomas Langston, Obama is like Jimmy Carter, and the nation will soon hammer the nails into the coffin of a dying Democratic coalition just as voters, tired of the Carter "malaise" era, handed the White House to Republicans in 1980...

Carter, like Obama, learned the ropes in a state Senate. Critics accused Carter of being inexperienced, having served one term as the governor of Georgia. But the Democratic candidate presented himself as a politician outside of politics and a reformer uninterested in partisan games...

The comparison to Carter, Gergen said, is more of a danger sign for Obama than it is a reality because it shows how the storyline has changed.

Source: CNN.com

So the article is actually a little less biased than all that. It goes on to compare Obama to Reagan, elaborating the positive qualities of that presidency. Yet if I could, I would like to argue the whole Carter = Obama comparison.

Obama's current term is not even 1/4 of the way over. Therefore, it still may be too early to make an adequate judgement on his performance.

Like Carter, he has been hampered with this share of national crises, but so far he is not "holed up" in the White House like a frightened door mouse. In fact, he and the First Lady have been busy on the late night talk show circuit, still talking to the casual ear of the American people.

This, of course, shows one of the primary strategies that Obama has over Carter, in that he is not shy about using the national media. Like some kind of post-modern Eve Peron, he's managed to use Television, Radio, print and the Net to recruit his "cult of personality" and create an Obama brand name.

This, of course, is the Philosophy that Neo-Liberal corporations have been using for years: transcending something like a presidential administration to the level of religious fervor. The difference being that this time, that Philosophy is being used for a somewhat noble purpose and not to sell a new brand of Pepsi.

Buying extra lives in Iphone's "Parachute Panic": ... Wow.

I think I'll just put this under the "wow! for real?" file.

Popular touch title Parachute Panic recently updated their iPhone and iPod Touch game with an interesting in-store item.

Once updated to the latest version, gamers can choose to spent 99 cents to unlock another five lives for the 99 cent game.

The more patient can choose to max out their in-game lives by playing the game. You can upgrade for free by reaching scores of 50, 150, 300, 500 and 1,000, earning an extra life for every milestone.

Source: Kotaku
...

...

...

That's the joke. I have no joke.

So if I can understand this, people who spend their free time playing a game on their Iphone get frustrated because they cannot earn extra lives. Therefore, instead of simply honing their skills to simply get better at the game (which would logically be cheaper and more entertaining), they choose to purchase extra lives and therefore reduce any sense of challenge from the game, therefore making what was initially an innocent time-waster into something completely pointless?

That, you see, is the logic that apple (may they rot in hell) believe that it's player base follows. This leads me to worry about how the neo-liberal minded individuals at apple see their customer base (myself included, sadly). If and when democracy fails and America is transformed into a confederacy of nation sized corporations, will their behavior get any better? Or will be just be a nation of regulated mind slaves, meaningless digital purchases shoved down our throats while our only mode of choice or expression regulated to whether we choose the iPhone or Palm-pre?

Either way, I should probably update my Ipod touch to 3.0 when it comes back from the "Geek Squad".

Picture Source: Crunchyroll.com

Net Neutrality: At least the Government "pretends" to care about my rights.

More happenings in this cold cyberpunk future that we live in. Apparently Net Neutrality is still alive, despite opposition from a few republicans (but no one really cares about them).

The Federal Communications Commission voted unanimously Thursday to get the ball rolling on creating regulation that will keep the Internet open.

All five commissioners voted in favor of advancing the rule-making process for a proposal that was put forth by FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski during the agency's open meeting Thursday...

...Despite their vote in favor of opening the rule-making process, the two Republican commissioners, Meredith Attwell Baker and Robert McDowell, also said they dissented on "facts" of the proposal. The commissioners said their votes are for the beginning of a data-gathering process, but they didn't say whether they would vote in favor of regulation that will ultimately be proposed.

In her comments, Baker said she didn't think there was a need for specific rules because she doesn't see a threat to Internet openness. McDowell said he doesn't think the FCC has the legal authority from Congress to impose such regulation.

Source: CNET News

When it's something like making Tony Soprano say "Go FLIP yourself" on A&E or making sure Janet Jackson's nipple doesn't excite teenagers everywhere, the FCC has the authority. Yet when they actually try to put a motion in place that intends to protect the freedom of information, suddenly they don't have the authority.

All semantics aside, I do like that the government is at least operating under the pretense that they care about our rights for a change. Even so, I do have some concerns. For one, are we just trading one Big Brother for another? True, a corporation has the power to throttle our bandwidth and potentially censor any material that is not in-line with their profit outlooks, but what guarantee do we have that our government will not do the same thing?

For example, Joe Biden, everyone's favorite socialist Vice President (not that I have anything against socialists) once urged for more policing of P2P networks. Under the old way, Biden would not have the legal authority to monitor a private network. However, if the internet becomes the government's jurisdiction then who is to say how much authority private government institutions have on the flow of information.

Simply put, all you folks downloading the movie "G-Force" will be out of luck.

This seems like an issue that will be fueling government debate for months, if not years. Either way, one sad truth remains: it is very unlikely we will be able to go back to a pre-web 2.0 model: back when the web was a wild-west shooting gallery for hackers, flame-wars and low quality ten second clips of porn.

Well thank God Kanye West is not dead! (or "why God why!?" depending on your personal feelings)

With all the celebrity deaths in the news lately, it's good for a nice change of pace (or horrible, since it's Kanye).

Kanye West has gotten some bad press lately, but even this was too much for those closest to him.

Contrary to reports that spread online Tuesday, the outspoken rapper is not dead. West instead was the victim a hoax that began on a fraudulent Web site that resembled a Fox News story reporting that he had died in a "bizarre car crash in Los Angeles."

Source: Brian Orloff, People.com

The worse thing about this news is that it completely screws up our economy. Think of all those people printing "Kanye West: 1977-2009" T-shirts: their sales outlook is fucked! Or what about Def-jam's "Kanye: The Man, the Myth" collection? Not to mention the release of Kanye's long-lost unreleased album finally revealed to the public after his death. We're just going to release it while he's still alive!? That makes no sense!

What about the intimate and exclusive, 5000 attendee, live memorial in Hollywood? The Taxpayers have to pay for that you know! They had to actually pay to have Paul McCartney fly here from England and pretend that he actually gives a shit!

Or the Billboard off the 110 freeway with the gray-scale picture of Kanye that says "Kanye West: Jesus walks with thee now"? Or what about the numerous post-death jokes we could have made? Like "That which don't kill me, can only make me-- oh wait" or "hey Kanye, your death was awesome and I'm gonna let ya finish, but Michael Jackson's death was the best death ever". Thet make no sense anymore!

Kanye West- Rest In Peace

(or Rot in Hell, I really don't care)

A Wonderful New Product: Can't a guy have sex with his Horse in peace?

 

Again?

COLUMBIA, Tenn. - A man who allegedly videotaped a friend having sex with a horse at a farm in Washington state in 2005 is now accused of performing sex acts with a horse in Tennessee.

According to an arrest warrant, Tait engaged in sex acts with a stud horse at the Double Branch Road farm over a span of several months. A complaint from a citizen prompted an investigation. The person e-mailed investigators a photo of a man who appeared to be having sex with a Shetland pony.

Source: MSNBC

Hey there folks! Tired of your neighbors taking embarrassing photos of you having sex with barnyard animals and emailing them to local law enforcement? Wish there was a way for you to commit sickening acts of depravity on livestock in a private and safe environment?

Well now you can with the all new: Barn!

A barn is a medium to large sized structure capable of being built on any property large enough to sustain livestock. Made of little more than wood and metal, a barn can either be built yourself, by a contractor, or in a fraction of the time by a team of highly trained Amish professionals.

What's more, a barn's doors can easily be fitted with a simple locking mechanism, such as a latch or lock, which when closed, prevent unwanted entry or surveillance, ensuring that your sessions of indulging in heaving horse flesh are undisturbed by outside parties!

What's that you say? You can't afford a Barn? Well worry not, for you can easily buy one on credit, and repay the loan with your farming profits or the funds you make selling your horse porn wrapped in paper bags.

And for you small pet lovers out there, we also have "the-privacy-of-your-own-goddamn-home," which ensures that you can have some intimate time with Sparky without grossing out all your neighbors.

As an alternative, you could just not have sex with animals, especially ones with genitals large enough to cause fatal injury.

You know, like most people who don't have sex with horses and are better off for it?