Are you a Tool too?

I wrote an Episode of "Criminal Minds"

2009-12-28T11:33:00.000-08:00

We're gonna profile the HELL out of this blog!

I got a secret: I love the CBS crime drama Criminal Minds.

I don't know when I specifically started liking this show above other crime dramas. I think it has to do with the whole game of psychological "cat n mouse" they play with their suspects. Or it could be the fact that they have a cute nerd who does their fact checking. Either way, I love the show so much, the producers decided that as a thanks, they're gonna let me write an episode.
It was actually fairly easy. I think it's going to be really interesting, while still maintaining the unique nature of the show. It's still in pre-production, but here's a quick clip from the script to get people excited. This is the team discussing their latest UnSub ("unknown subject") in a very detailed manner

SCENE: Quantico: BAU headquarters

Gideon (voiceover): Woody Allen once said, "Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."

Hotchner: *In front of their information board* Blah blah blah blah Series of brutal abductions/rapes/murders/arsons/bombings in a town called blah

Reid: Blah blah blah blah SEXUAL SADISM blah blah MALIGNANT NARCISSISM blah

Prentiss: Sounds like a Blah blah blah blah He has to blah blah blah to establish his blah.

Reid: TED BUNDY used to blah blah something something blah blah to his victims too.

Gideon: *looks at the board very poignantly as he realizes...* .... Blah....

Morgan: Just got a call from something something precinct. They said something something something about something something something.

Hotchner: .... Lets move!

END SCENE

***

Powerful stuff huh? Later on, the team begins to zero in on the UnSub and the real excitement begins.

SCENE: Team is on the move

*Morgan's Cell phone rings. It's Garcia*

Garcia:Blah blah blah FEDERAL LAW ENFORCEMENT FBI CIA JOINT TACTICAL DATABASE and found something something CROSSED REFERENCED IT WITH OUR something something and found blah blah blah blah his name is GUY MCPERSON he lives at 5555 Location Place

SUDDEN SCENE SHIFT: Cabin in the middle of the woods (because it is ALWAYS a cabin in the woods)

*FBI van moves in. As it does, a scuzzy, raggedly dressed 20 something male runs from the house and attempts to flee. This is Guy McPerson, our unsub. Morgan and Hotchner chase on foot while the rest of the team secure the cabin.*

*The Unsub tries to lose his tail, but eventually is subdued and taken down by Hotchner*

Hotchner: Blah blah blah innocent people blah blah what the HELL is wrong with you?

McPerson: Blah blah blah WHORES AND SLUTS WHO NEEDED TO BE PUNISHED... BLAH!

End SCENE

SCENE: exterior Shot of FBI jet

Gideon (voiceover): "The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."-- George Carlin... blah

EXUENT

***

So what do you guys think? I think the cast is really excited...

I’m just playing Criminal minds, you know I love you!

Also... Penelope Garcia is teh sexxxy!

G4 Poll Questions: TMI

2009-10-28T09:01:00.000-07:00

Lets take a break from current events to talk about something that has been bothering me a lot lately. Online poll questions have been a standard of television for a while now. And no one seems to realize this more than the good people at G4TV (known as the home of games, gadgets and gigabytes). While watching a recorded episode of X-play, I noticed a poll question on its ticker, which asked "On what console will you play Dragon Age: Origins?"

I must have read the same question from G4 over a countless number of games. Then suddenly, it dawned on me:

Why the hell should anyone care what console that I play a game on?

Lets go through the logic of this question for a moment. I wholeheartedly do not see a problem with poll questions involving video games. Questions like "which game was better" or "which new console do you plan on buying" is a sure-fire way to start a forum discussion (or flame-war, which in some cases is just as fun). And even some, like "would Master Chief totally kick Marcus Fenix's ass" are the bread and butter of many flame soldiers.

Even so, asking what console I will play a game on is ultimately futile for several reasons.

It assumes that many people have a choice in the matter when they simply do not. A good percentage of the G4 viewing audience are underage, and therefore must rely on their parents' aid for their major purchases. Therefore, if their parents are unable or simply unwilling to buy them more that one console, then they have no choice.

Not to mention all the adults who only own one console. Aside from the obvious "I can't afford two consoles" line, many adult gamers simply don't care to own more that one. They have a lot on their plates, be it work, college, or simply having a social life. A question like "what console will you wasted 80 hours of your life on" is simply incomprehensible to them. On the other hand, many of them are still products of the "Console Wars" of the 90's; the hardcore faithful who will only stick with one console even if their body is battered away and their bones ground to dust.

Now lets talk of the ones who can own more than one console and play them all with regularity. A question like "which console to play a game on" will, of course, matter to them. If they prefer graphics, they will no doubt go with the PS3. If they don't care about graphics but want better online support, they'll most likely go with the 360 (and if they're thick they'll go with the WII! OH snap!).

Now this is a very important decision to them no doubt, and the choice they make will definitely affect their experience with the content (some games will even limit certain content to certain console versions). Even with this reality in mind, one question remains: why the fuck should G4 or anyone else care what version of a game I'm playing?

It really comes off as insincere and borderline intrusive that G4 wants to know what device I use to do anything. It's like that guy at GameCrazy who asks, "what consoles do I play" in that monotone voice because he really doesn't care but asks anyway because his boss told him to be "friendly" with the customers. And if you really care to tell total strangers what console you play anything on, you're an arrogant prick.

When OnLive comes out it's going to eviscerate the planet in a super-nova of win anyway.

Barack Obama: Jimmy Carter 2?

2009-10-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

An interesting article from CNN this morning about Barack Hussein Obama, AKA the unofficial sequel to Jimmy Carter (allegedly).

To some, said Tulane University political scientist Thomas Langston, Obama is like Jimmy Carter, and the nation will soon hammer the nails into the coffin of a dying Democratic coalition just as voters, tired of the Carter "malaise" era, handed the White House to Republicans in 1980...

Carter, like Obama, learned the ropes in a state Senate. Critics accused Carter of being inexperienced, having served one term as the governor of Georgia. But the Democratic candidate presented himself as a politician outside of politics and a reformer uninterested in partisan games...

The comparison to Carter, Gergen said, is more of a danger sign for Obama than it is a reality because it shows how the storyline has changed.

Source: CNN.com

So the article is actually a little less biased than all that. It goes on to compare Obama to Reagan, elaborating the positive qualities of that presidency. Yet if I could, I would like to argue the whole Carter = Obama comparison.

Obama's current term is not even 1/4 of the way over. Therefore, it still may be too early to make an adequate judgement on his performance.

Like Carter, he has been hampered with this share of national crises, but so far he is not "holed up" in the White House like a frightened door mouse. In fact, he and the First Lady have been busy on the late night talk show circuit, still talking to the casual ear of the American people.

This, of course, shows one of the primary strategies that Obama has over Carter, in that he is not shy about using the national media. Like some kind of post-modern Eve Peron, he's managed to use Television, Radio, print and the Net to recruit his "cult of personality" and create an Obama brand name.

This, of course, is the Philosophy that Neo-Liberal corporations have been using for years: transcending something like a presidential administration to the level of religious fervor. The difference being that this time, that Philosophy is being used for a somewhat noble purpose and not to sell a new brand of Pepsi.

Buying extra lives in Iphone's "Parachute Panic": ... Wow.

2009-10-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

I think I'll just put this under the "wow! for real?" file.

Popular touch title Parachute Panic recently updated their iPhone and iPod Touch game with an interesting in-store item.

Once updated to the latest version, gamers can choose to spent 99 cents to unlock another five lives for the 99 cent game.

The more patient can choose to max out their in-game lives by playing the game. You can upgrade for free by reaching scores of 50, 150, 300, 500 and 1,000, earning an extra life for every milestone.

Source: Kotaku
...

...

...

That's the joke. I have no joke.

So if I can understand this, people who spend their free time playing a game on their Iphone get frustrated because they cannot earn extra lives. Therefore, instead of simply honing their skills to simply get better at the game (which would logically be cheaper and more entertaining), they choose to purchase extra lives and therefore reduce any sense of challenge from the game, therefore making what was initially an innocent time-waster into something completely pointless?

That, you see, is the logic that apple (may they rot in hell) believe that it's player base follows. This leads me to worry about how the neo-liberal minded individuals at apple see their customer base (myself included, sadly). If and when democracy fails and America is transformed into a confederacy of nation sized corporations, will their behavior get any better? Or will be just be a nation of regulated mind slaves, meaningless digital purchases shoved down our throats while our only mode of choice or expression regulated to whether we choose the iPhone or Palm-pre?

Either way, I should probably update my Ipod touch to 3.0 when it comes back from the "Geek Squad".

Picture Source: Crunchyroll.com

Net Neutrality: At least the Government "pretends" to care about my rights.

2009-10-22T12:24:00.000-07:00

More happenings in this cold cyberpunk future that we live in. Apparently Net Neutrality is still alive, despite opposition from a few republicans (but no one really cares about them).

The Federal Communications Commission voted unanimously Thursday to get the ball rolling on creating regulation that will keep the Internet open.

All five commissioners voted in favor of advancing the rule-making process for a proposal that was put forth by FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski during the agency's open meeting Thursday...

...Despite their vote in favor of opening the rule-making process, the two Republican commissioners, Meredith Attwell Baker and Robert McDowell, also said they dissented on "facts" of the proposal. The commissioners said their votes are for the beginning of a data-gathering process, but they didn't say whether they would vote in favor of regulation that will ultimately be proposed.

In her comments, Baker said she didn't think there was a need for specific rules because she doesn't see a threat to Internet openness. McDowell said he doesn't think the FCC has the legal authority from Congress to impose such regulation.

Source: CNET News

When it's something like making Tony Soprano say "Go FLIP yourself" on A&E or making sure Janet Jackson's nipple doesn't excite teenagers everywhere, the FCC has the authority. Yet when they actually try to put a motion in place that intends to protect the freedom of information, suddenly they don't have the authority.

All semantics aside, I do like that the government is at least operating under the pretense that they care about our rights for a change. Even so, I do have some concerns. For one, are we just trading one Big Brother for another? True, a corporation has the power to throttle our bandwidth and potentially censor any material that is not in-line with their profit outlooks, but what guarantee do we have that our government will not do the same thing?

For example, Joe Biden, everyone's favorite socialist Vice President (not that I have anything against socialists) once urged for more policing of P2P networks. Under the old way, Biden would not have the legal authority to monitor a private network. However, if the internet becomes the government's jurisdiction then who is to say how much authority private government institutions have on the flow of information.

Simply put, all you folks downloading the movie "G-Force" will be out of luck.

This seems like an issue that will be fueling government debate for months, if not years. Either way, one sad truth remains: it is very unlikely we will be able to go back to a pre-web 2.0 model: back when the web was a wild-west shooting gallery for hackers, flame-wars and low quality ten second clips of porn.

Well thank God Kanye West is not dead! (or "why God why!?" depending on your personal feelings)

2009-10-21T14:22:00.000-07:00

With all the celebrity deaths in the news lately, it's good for a nice change of pace (or horrible, since it's Kanye).

Kanye West has gotten some bad press lately, but even this was too much for those closest to him.

Contrary to reports that spread online Tuesday, the outspoken rapper is not dead. West instead was the victim a hoax that began on a fraudulent Web site that resembled a Fox News story reporting that he had died in a "bizarre car crash in Los Angeles."

Source: Brian Orloff, People.com

The worse thing about this news is that it completely screws up our economy. Think of all those people printing "Kanye West: 1977-2009" T-shirts: their sales outlook is fucked! Or what about Def-jam's "Kanye: The Man, the Myth" collection? Not to mention the release of Kanye's long-lost unreleased album finally revealed to the public after his death. We're just going to release it while he's still alive!? That makes no sense!

What about the intimate and exclusive, 5000 attendee, live memorial in Hollywood? The Taxpayers have to pay for that you know! They had to actually pay to have Paul McCartney fly here from England and pretend that he actually gives a shit!

Or the Billboard off the 110 freeway with the gray-scale picture of Kanye that says "Kanye West: Jesus walks with thee now"? Or what about the numerous post-death jokes we could have made? Like "That which don't kill me, can only make me-- oh wait" or "hey Kanye, your death was awesome and I'm gonna let ya finish, but Michael Jackson's death was the best death ever". Thet make no sense anymore!

Kanye West- Rest In Peace

(or Rot in Hell, I really don't care)

A Wonderful New Product: Can't a guy have sex with his Horse in peace?

2009-10-20T17:44:00.000-07:00

Again?

COLUMBIA, Tenn. - A man who allegedly videotaped a friend having sex with a horse at a farm in Washington state in 2005 is now accused of performing sex acts with a horse in Tennessee.

According to an arrest warrant, Tait engaged in sex acts with a stud horse at the Double Branch Road farm over a span of several months. A complaint from a citizen prompted an investigation. The person e-mailed investigators a photo of a man who appeared to be having sex with a Shetland pony.

Source: MSNBC

Hey there folks! Tired of your neighbors taking embarrassing photos of you having sex with barnyard animals and emailing them to local law enforcement? Wish there was a way for you to commit sickening acts of depravity on livestock in a private and safe environment?

Well now you can with the all new: Barn!

A barn is a medium to large sized structure capable of being built on any property large enough to sustain livestock. Made of little more than wood and metal, a barn can either be built yourself, by a contractor, or in a fraction of the time by a team of highly trained Amish professionals.

What's more, a barn's doors can easily be fitted with a simple locking mechanism, such as a latch or lock, which when closed, prevent unwanted entry or surveillance, ensuring that your sessions of indulging in heaving horse flesh are undisturbed by outside parties!

What's that you say? You can't afford a Barn? Well worry not, for you can easily buy one on credit, and repay the loan with your farming profits or the funds you make selling your horse porn wrapped in paper bags.

And for you small pet lovers out there, we also have "the-privacy-of-your-own-goddamn-home," which ensures that you can have some intimate time with Sparky without grossing out all your neighbors.

As an alternative, you could just not have sex with animals, especially ones with genitals large enough to cause fatal injury.

You know, like most people who don't have sex with horses and are better off for it?

An answer to my Nintendo legal question from last blog

2009-10-20T17:04:00.001-07:00

Just HOW big of a chicken did Nintendo shit over it?

Apparently a huge one, because now the video's link is broken.

Super Mario World Marriage Proposal

2009-10-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

Its a bit of a slow news day (or I've already touched on the worthwhile news stories), so I thought I'd revisit my most beloved medium with a post from our good friends at Kotaku!

So aside from the obvious questions of "what if she said no?" or "how big a chicken will Nintendo's legal team shit over such a blatant ROM hack?" I would like to ask a more basic gaming question. Simply put, what if his girl was actually a real skilled gamer and actually collected the coins?

Collecting coins in a Mario game is second nature to most gamers. It's like popping tick-tacks. You don't think about it, muse over it, or contemplate an intricate strategy for it, you just do it. That girl was way too hesitant to collect those coins.

And think of the 1-up potential lost? The stuff you can do on one life in SMW is rather extensive if you play your cards right. It must have been hampering to her strategy to have to hold off collecting those things just for one message from her boyfriend.

Still, its nice to see people using Rom hacks for good, instead of "Super Fart Brothers 3: Flatulance in Fartland."

White House vs Fox News: More than one way to kill a troll

2009-10-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

This is what we on the internet call an "Epic Flame War."

The Obama administration, which would seem to have its hands full with a two-front war in Iraq and Afghanistan, opened up a third front last week, this time with Fox News...

Administration officials seemed to have decided that they had had enough...

“We’re going to treat them the way we would treat an opponent,” Anita Dunn, the White House communications director, said in an interview with The New York Times. “As they are undertaking a war against Barack Obama and the White House, we don’t need to pretend that this is the way that legitimate news organizations behave.”

Source: David Carr, New York Times

Now I am no fan of Fox News. Their ability to stand by the bad decisions made by their chosen party speaks for themselves. However, the one thing that the White House shouldn't do is attempt to beat them at a battle on their terms. You do that; you'll have to stand on the same battleground they've been fighting for years. If you lose, you lose massive amounts of credibility. If you win, well so what? You've just dirtied yourself in the mud for a minor victory.

Allow me to elaborate. Fox has been playing the "YOU'RE ALL A BUNCHA DIRTY HIPPIE SMACKTARDS WITH STOOPID HEADS" card for years now. They've gotten quite adept at it, perfecting their flame war techniques to Evil-Effeminate-Samurai-from-an-Anime like perfection. Regular forum trolls and 4chan regulars stand in awe of them, revering them with a mixture of hatred and mutual respect.

This in mind, the one thing you should never do if you're the administration behind a world leader is go "R NAWT! U R!"

So how do you deal with a Troll like Fox News? Well the most effective way is to ignore them. Trolls are notorious for being attention addicted and deriving them of it is a sure-fire method to drive them into an eat-their-own-face-off insanity. That logic, however, may not work against Fox news. For one, their audience is not a close knit online community but a mosaic of American Technocratic culture of millions, one with enough people who will not only engage them in argument but may even agree with them.

Another way is to Ban their IP, or in this case cut them off from the public eye, but that in itself is the tactic of barbarians and brutes. Historically, societies (America especially) do not like the idea of any viewpoint or mouthpiece being censored, even if its does not sync to popular opinion.

A surefire trick is to, of course, compliment the Troll, which may throw him off guard. Everyone calls Bill O'Reilly a pompous, condescending hypocrite and he just responds with that same smug self-satisfying smirk while stroking his tie. Yet imagine his reaction when Joe Biden goes on the O'Reilly factor and calls him a paragon of reason and fairness. His exact words would be "well that’s just your opini... Wait what?"

This, my friends, is what we call "counter-Trolling." If it's good enough for the Kotaku comment threads its good enough for the White House.

Balloon Boy: another symptom in the reality show disease

2009-10-17T12:38:00.000-07:00

You want to know the funny thing?

When someone first told me about this story, they said it was the boy in the bubble.

Anyway, I digress.

FORT COLLINS, Colo. — A couple who frantically told a 911 dispatcher their 6-year-old son had floated off in an inflatable balloon remain in the spotlight, but now it's for a series of bizarre TV interviews about the escapade, a previous 911 call and efforts to land a reality TV show gig.

Sheriff's investigators hoped to talk to Richard and Mayumi Heene again Saturday to resolve lingering questions over whether the drama — with military helicopters scrambling to catch up to the helium balloon and rescue the boy supposedly inside — could have been a hoax.

It turns out little Falcon Heene was hiding in the rafters of the family garage, apparently without his parents or two brothers knowing.

Source: Dan Elliot, Associate Press

This article goes on to tell Richard Heene's bizarre publicity starved history, about how he was on "Wife Swap" several times and how he has made numerous pitches for his own reality shows. This, of course, raises a very pressing question:

Are we too obsessed with reality?

I understand people watch them: truth is stranger than fiction, the human drama and all that. I also understand why the networks keep making them: all the emotion, comedy, and even the ratings of both sitcoms and hour-long-dramas without the need for writers or actors. Yet it seems as if our culture has become some bizarre stage where every octo-parent, d-grade celebrity, pick up artist or Highway Tattoo artist vies for national attention. This is all well and good, except for one problem:

This is not reality.

How many Tattoo parlors do you know operate out of a cross country bus? How many Parents would set out in there mind to have 8 kids in one go? How many single people will honestly spend weeks at a time, forgoing work, family, and friends, just to compete with a group of strangers over the affection of some person who they don't even know if they like. These people are structuring our lives around the hope of national attention. And when they do, there are no shortage of people ready to chastise them.

Yet whose fault is it really? Who keeps watching these shows and getting drawn into the weave of their dramas. Octomom wasn't vying to get on televisions in front of empty chairs. Jon & Kate's divorce didn't draw so much attention because of neighborhood gossip. And Richard Heene didn't set up a "science experiment" in front of a camera with no film. We judge these people, yet we created the media culture that encourages them to perform.

If you wish to see who really started all this, turn the camera around.

Racism still exists apparently

2009-10-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

So I know the Looking Glass (or "are you a tool too”, I'm a little sketchy on the title myself lately) hasn't gotten many updates for a few months, but I'm looking to remedy this situation.

And this story seemed the perfect opportunity to do so.

NEW ORLEANS – A white Louisiana justice of the peace said he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have.

Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, says it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.

"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."

Wow.

You know, there are a lot of things I can say, but whenever I hear about people like this, the first thought on my mind is "how does a person like this think?" Do you think in his mind, its still 1957? Does he sit outside on his porch every morning, his delusional mind picturing his all white neighbors walking their dogs and all white children playing in the park across the street? Does he think, "well, it sure is hot today, thank god all them colored folk have their own segregated water fountains to cool themselves off?”

Meanwhile his black orderly is probably coming up behind him, leading his wheelchair into the hospital parlor, undoing his straight jacket so he can eat his hominy for breakfast.

This is obviously an odd situation: like a movie from the 1990's starring Julia Roberts and Denzel Washington about an interracial couple set in 1930's Georgia where the lovers are eventually chased out of town by a torch & pitchfork bearing lynch mob and Denzel makes a deft and poetic speech about how his people will "overcome someday."

Personally, I'll keep watching. Partially because of shock, but mainly due to curiosity on how a state official that opposes interracial marriage survives in a country with a black president.

Source: Associated press, Yahoo! news

The 2008 top five everything and anything

2008-12-31T12:56:00.000-08:00

For all five of you who remember, last year I did a top five films from 2007. Unfortunately, as far as movies go, this year has been like a brick to the crotch of the movie going public. Considering that Video Games are poised to overthrow Film as the dominant medium, I would have expected more. For a while, I just resigned myself to wait until March of 2009, when the "Watchmen" Movie was set to sweep us all away in a tide of awesomeness and win. Unfortunately, since 20th Century FOX has seen fit to crush my childlike anticipation like a club to the skull of a Newborn Baby Seal, I am forced to take in whatever consolation from 2008 that I can. Therefore, without further Adieu, here are the Top 5 Movies/Games/Etc... from 2008.

5. Fallout 3 (Xbox 360, Bethesda)

I never actually played the first two in their entirety, but number 3 was enough to remind me why I absolutely loved Role Playing Games. The Post Apocalyptic setting is something games have not touched on too much and the Oblivion engine made the apocalypse something beautiful to behold. And lets be honest, there is a sense of Catharsis about insta-gibing a Raider with a simple shot to the knee.

4. Wanted (Universal Pictures)

Okay, so it had, like, 10% in common with the graphic novel it was based on and at the end of the day it was more like lukewarm Fight Club. Even so, it was visual eye candy and an excuse to see Angelina Jolie walking out of a jacuzzi naked. Oh, and it also gave Morgan Freeman an excuse to say "Motherfucker", which I know he's been pining to say for a while.

3. How Bad "Twilight" was (Goldcrest pictures)

I'm probably being snark, but there are very few movies that reach this level of crap. "Twilight" the movie is so bad, so horribly executed, so horribly acted, that I actually had fun hating it. I don't know what I had more fun heckling: the cardboard cutout romance, the stereotypical Native Americans as werewolves, or the villain, who, as a Jamaican man tells us: "Is incredibly lethal" as opposed to "just kind of lethal".

2. Gears of War 2 (Xbox 360. Epic Games)

I had so many problems with Gears 1, that Epic games' sequel to the Cover based game about mole people seems like a redemption tale. Fixed online play, along with expanded single player options, made Marcus Fenix's continuing Saga something for me to actually get all excited about. So excited i need to shotty roll something...

... where's that Skorge?

1. Heath Ledger's Joker in "The Dark Knight

Heath Ledgers final performance reminded me why I find comic books superhero stories so awesome: because they have such awesome villains. I always found the Joker kind of evil, but it wasn't until the infamous Pencil Trick that I found him infamous. Heath Ledger Joker plays like a cross between Jigsaw and Tom Cruise in his villainy that for once that's a good thing. Its just a tragedy that we wont be seeing Ledger reprise that role because for once, Hollywood got a comic book character right.

Anyway, those were the best things about 2008 to me. Have a happy new year and try not to get too plastered that you agree to by the Twilight special edition Blue-ray for your girlfriend.

AUDE LAND SIGN mofos!

Gears of War 2: Chainsaw Enema's delivered with love and affection

2008-11-25T20:16:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Jonas Brothers!

Now that we have some perspective on it, let’s be Honest: Gears of War 1 was the “worst Best game of all time”. Graphically, it was amazing, had awesome game play, a campy story and some of the non-intentionally funniest characters in a video game. None of what I just said, however, excuses the fact that multiplayer was like Orpheus walking through the underworld not willing to look back because he’s worried Eurydice is shotty-rolling right behind him.

Fortunately, we now have Gears of War 2 and Epic games lead designer/male supermodel Clifford Bleszinski the first has promised that Gears 2 fixes the troubles of the first game. I, of course, have learned not to trust the world of Male supermodels and seek to see if this is, in fact, true.

Story

I’ve never thought the story to Gears was any good. Yes, I know Cliffy’s been going on and on about how the story this time around is more emotional and epic, and we’ll be more emotionally invested in the characters. And while that may be true, no matter how I feel about Dom’s wife, it cant distract me from the fact that I’m playing a cross between a bad Vietnam war movie and an okay 1950’s sci-fi movie about mole people.

Gears of war 2 starts 6 months after the first and finds humanity (here’s the twist!) “in a life or death struggle with a monstrous alien race”. Turns out the light-mass bomb in the first game only killed an “assload” of Locust instead of the preferred “ten assloads”. As a result, the Locust are back and sinking entire cities. Therefore, its up to Marcus Fenix and his Motley crew of gruff, grizzled, multi-ethnic soldiers to launch an assault against the Locust’s home of the Hollow and deliver a size 15 curb stomp to their Castrating Mother of a Queen. Meanwhile, Dom is still looking his beloved wife Maria (*sings* she reminds of the west side story), Baird still finding ways to be a lovable prick, and the Cole-train is still a “loud black athlete”.

See? Its really not that interesting of a story. Its any movie from the 90’s starring Sylvester Stallone.

Even so, there is a campy appeal to it. The voice actors are top notch, and despite their sometimes cheesy dialogue, they do evoke a kind of kitch appeal. Just don’t go into Gears 2 expecting James Joyce with mole-people. It’s a game about shooting underground aliens and that’s what you get.
Gameplay

There isn’t a lot of change from Gears 1 game-play wise. You still take cover and shoot, still dice up locust with a chainsaw bayonet, and so on. Yet the few changes truly changed the way the game is played.

First things first: I love stopping power!

In Gears 1, snipers and shotty rollers alike felt secure in standing out in the open like bloody idiots, and their idiocy was rewarded because no matter how much lancer bolt I put in them, they kept coming without doubt. In Gears 2, bullets stop morons dead in their tracks, leaving them victim to a bullet sandwich. This essentially means the game can now be played as Cliffy intended: as a cover based shooter.

The new weapons, as well as the changes to old weapons, manage to make things a lot more interesting while keeping with the Gears aesthetic. Chainsaw duels make it so two chainsaw wielding opponents no longer have to rely on fate to decide a winner. The gorgon pistol is a submachine gun that fires short bursts that all but down opponents on active reloads. And of course, there is the shotty. Oh how we loathed the shotty in gears 1! Capable of getting insta-gibs when shooting at someone’s small toe, inexplicably the best weapon for headshots, and lethal for rollers. Fortunately, Gears 2 nerfs the shotty slightly, but not enough to make it obsolete. It no longer seems to lower the chainsaw unless fired at point blank and the stopping power makes it useless for up front mad rushes.

And of course, you’ll just love the mulcher and mortar.

Meanwhile, the single-player campaign has evolved from the standard “Stop. Shoot guys. Proceed. Repeat” formula. There is a lot of variety in what the game expects of you. Who wants to ride a Brumak, a reaver, a giant moving drill platform, all broken up by killing a giant city sinking worm from the inside?

Yep. You do it in gears.

Graphics & design.

The world of Gears of war 2 continues the franchise’s staple amazing world. COG cities are ruined Utopias; European styled paradises desolated by war. They are inhabited by some truly inspired character models, ranging from quasi-pagan Locust priests to techno-fascist military commandos. Meanwhile, the locust Hollow is a horrifying wonderland of carnage and darkness, a true descent into a literal hell.

This of course, is simply from a design perspective. The true story is still soldiers versus mole-people.

The real graphical improvement this time around is the massive scale battles that inhabit the single player campaign. Literally dozens of locust swarm the screen at one time, along with legions of Brumaks, Corpsers, Reavers, and other creatures of the Hollow.

Multiplayer

Gears 1’s multiplayer was a largely frustrating affair. Though many things can be blamed for this, it was primarily due to the fact that the Gears of War player base can kindly be described as “rude” and unkindly described as “a bunch of shit dribbling fucktards”.

Gears of war 2 deals with the flaws of Gears 1 adequately. There is no more host advantage, meaning that this time around, I can actually shoot what I’m aiming at as opposed to having to shoot where my opponent might be and hope my bullets will run into him for an unfriendly chat.

Oh, and I can finally hit things with a Sniper Rifle, something that Gears 1 seemed to think wasn’t a big priority.

This time around, we’re getting more options for our online outings. No more do I have to choose between the “Once killed and Im out” tripe of Execution/Warzone and the “Boring my socks off” BS of Annex (and Assassination, when people decided to actually waste time on it). The New modes are a welcomed change of pace and fit wonderfully into the Gears Palette. From “Wingman” to “horde”, there is a variety of choices for old and new fans alike.

Guardian is based partially on Assassination, but with a slight twist. Teams have infinite respawns as long as their leader is alive. This means there is some strategy involved in picking your targets: none of this “Kill em all” malarkey, you have to take out the head first and pick the body apart bit by terrified bit.

King of the Hill is like a revamped version of Annex in which two teams fight over a weapon location. The difference is that as long as your team is holding a position, none of their teammates get to respawn. This means that breaking your own capture at key moments is essential to victory.

The most lauded new game type would be Horde, in which a team of five holds back waves of locust. Why this wasn’t in the first game, I can only wonder because it fits perfectly into the Gears franchise.

Perhaps my favorite of the new modes is “Submission” which, to my dismay, is not an BDSM based mode. Think of “Submission” as a variant of Capture the Flag. Instead of “flag” however, lets say “shotgun wielding vagabond who doesn’t particularly like the look of your ugly COG/Locust face” and instead of “Capture”, lets say “Shoot and beat into submission, then drag kicking and screaming all the way back to your teams capture point”.

Now I love the new modes, but even so, they can’t replace the fact that im playing them with “Feces masticating fucktards”. Fortunately, Gears 2 offers multiplayer bots for those people who don’t like being called a pussy for not running into oncoming enemy fire. The bot AI isn’t the most dynamic or creative, but lets just say they make for much better conversation than their human counterparts.

Presentation & conclusion

Gears of war 2 is an excellent game, yet there are some issues. While Host Advantage has been dealt with, we’re often met by his obnoxious single player cousin “Long ass load times”. Load times often go past the 15 second mark, a detriment to a game where you want to be back into the action as fast as you can. Meanwhile, the Matchmaking system is unforgivably slow, often leaving you waiting for a game for five minutes only to disconnect you and restart the search after it finds something. I can understand the load times, but the problems with matchmaking severely frustrate the multiplayer experience.

Even with these flaws, Gears of War 2 is among the best games I have played all year. In fact, part of me wonders if it’s too good. It’s vastly improved the graphics, gameplay, and multiplayer of the franchise. It might be so good, that it makes Gears of War 1 obsolete. And that, I admit, is a rare phenomenon among games.

Judgement: Love it!

Duke Nukem 3D: Those with Alien Erotica Fetishes will be elated

2008-09-28T17:31:00.001-07:00

Confusion overtook Duke as he realized he shot himself in the foot… several times…

Because I am now convinced that “Duke Nukem Forever” is in the hands of phenomenal idiots, it now falls to old nostalgia to rekindle my memories of rippling, misogynistic alien hunters with shotguns. In other words, “Duke Nukem 3D” from developer 3D realms has just arrived on the Xbox Live marketplace for 800 MS points. Honestly, I don’t even think there is a point of reviewing “Duke Nukem 3D”. Most of the gaming generation that grew up in the 90’s has forgotten about him and all the kids who came afterward probably don’t even care. They’re all too busy wetting themselves over Gears of War 2 (now a mere weeks away). Even so, the prequel to the long forgotten Duke Nukem forever has re-emerged. So what can I take from the franchise?

Not much, my friends. Not much

The game starts with Duke’s ship being shot down in Los Angeles. From the looks of the level, it must be the porn district because almost every business is either a porno theater or strip club or adult film shop. I am not kidding when I say that this entire area is just loaded with porn, strippers, and aliens. Eventually, however, you’re taken to desert mesas, desecrated churches, and over run space stations in your ever-lasting crusade to slaughter everything without the decency to not be born human.

Oh and there are a lot of naked ladies covered in alien goo. I’m sure that’s bound to tantalize someone out there.

You spend most of the game shooting your way through the legions of alien baddies while seeking multi-colored keys and activating a series of switches to open many doors just to find that one Auto Destruct switch that ends the level and in most situations, I’m fine with that. That’s what made the FPS genre great. The problem is that the levels are huge. And I don’t mean the “wow, check out the open world and sprawling vistas of Halo” huge. I mean the “Jesus Christ is level is so goddamn long when will it end?” huge. Eventually, you’ve killed almost every pig cop and lizard soldier in the level and want to proceed to the next. So you end up spending twenty minutes going over every spare inch of the level looking for one switch or card key only to find that you missed that one crack in the wall at the very beginning of the level that holds what you're looking for. This would be fine in, say, a puzzle game or RPG but this is a FPS for God’s sake! All I want to do is mow down legions of baddies with impunity!

Another “dick-move”, as the common vernacular states, would be the nearly impossible enemies who all seem to draw a bead on you as soon as you step into the room. Most of the time, the door has barely opened before they’ve gotten at least one pot shot with a shotgun. I haven’t decided which enemy I hate more: the floating suicide bomber drones that hang near the ceiling where they’re hard to shoot or the giant pig alien at the end of episode one who can shoot you no matter where you’re standing.

In the days of “quick-save” this would be a problem. Fortunately, Duke Nukem allows you to rewind the level from the point you died so you can start from anywhere. This removes the dreaded “I saved right before walking into a pig lizards rocket barrage” conundrum. For that, I am glad. And if it had come in a game that was actually “good”, it would have meant a lot to me.

I will give Duke Nukem 3D this much: it is the only place on Xbox live where you can play a classic FPS style death match, but that’s not saying much. There are only two modes; “One on One” and “Free For All”. “One on One” is pointless, since the levels are so big you’ll spend most of your time trying to find your opponent rather than shoot him. This of course leaves “free for all”, but even this is hit and miss since I barely find more that three people to play with.

I know what most of you Duke Nukem Fanboys (there has to be some left, right?) are going to say. “Oh, it’s an old game and you’re judging it too unfairly!” I’ll concede that this is an old game, but here is the real problem: This is not a classic game in a new package. This is a classic game in a cheap, paper package someone bought at the “Dollar Tree” for you to distract you from the fact that they don’t have the money they owe you from that time you bought them a new car. As a port, it is presented horribly. At several points, the game is loaded with bug and glitches, such as a recurring glitch in the second episode where Duke starts ranting out every catch phrase in the game until finally he just starts spewing white noise.

I honestly thought he was possessed by a cyber-demon, which would have made for a better game.

If you’re a die-hard fan of Duke Nukem (and I cannot imagine you are, considering the whole “Forever” incident), then you may want to at least try "Duke Nukem 3D" out. If you’re someone curious about FPS games from the nineties, there are much better options on Xbox live (I’m looking at you “Marathon: Durandal”).

Judgement: Skip it

Mercenaries 2 World in Flames: A Bunker Buster to your face is just how I say hello

2008-09-02T14:12:00.000-07:00

Vhere is da Money Lebowski! Ve vant da money Lebowski!

The first Mercenaries, developed by Pandemic and published by Lucasarts, was a major sleeper hit and remains a cult classic in my book. Many claimed it was a GTA clone, and perhaps they were right, but what other GTA clone let you call in an artillery barrage against one guy who pissed you off by taking pot shots at you from his sniper tower?

Now we are blessed with Mercenaries 2: World in flames (now published by Electronic Arts), a game I have been eagerly anticipating since the first time I commandeered an enemy Helicopter, dooming it's pilot to a pelvis shattering impact on North Korean soil. While I am excited that the game has finally been released, I must say that there are "concerns".

Story (if it can be called that) & game play

Mercenaries 2 takes place some time after Mercenaries 1 and finds our capitalist heroes in war torn Venezuela, where a young and ambitious politician stages a violent military coup. This is all well and good, except that he owes money to our mercenary and instead of paying up like a good South American dictator, he decides to shoot him/her, specifically, in the "buttocks". Now, our heroes are out for revenge, excitement, and insane amounts of wealth.

Now take the last paragraph and strap a block of C4 to it, get to a safe distance, and detonate because none of it seems that important. It’s really just a weak excuse for a Swedish biker to decimate enemy bases with carpet bombings and in that respect, Mercenaries 2 succeeds… mostly. You have a number of different air strikes at your command, each suiting for your specific needs. Among them, you got your artillery barrage for light building destruction, your cluster bomb for taking out infantry and light vehicles, and of course the nuclear bunker buster, for when you absolutely need to level an entire city without even the slightest hint of radiation poisoning.

Airstrikes are perhaps the most enjoyable experience of the game, although some of them are increasingly frustrating to control. Certain air strikes require you to throw a smoke grenade to target a location. The only problem is that the grenade does not equip like a weapon. You actually throw it AS SOON AS YOU SELECT IT. This lead to several occasions where I called down a cruise missile strike by accident, wasting it and the oil required to launch it. Others require you to use a radio beacon that drops to your feet as soon as you deploy it, forcing you to run your Russian/Chinese/American bum out of the blast radius while dodging enemy fire. I don’t know why you can’t throw it like the grenades but then again, I guess I’m not “bad-ass” like our heroes who apparently can survive their own air-strikes through the power of sheer awesomeness.

Mercenaries 2 is a sandbox game in the truest sense of the word. Most of the missions are completely optional "Destroy this building" and "kill/capture that High Value Target" that can be tackled whenever you need extra cash and unlockable vehicles and weaponry. You are never truly asked to do this by any faction and it appears you can complete the games main story quest without even touching them. I suspect this was the game designers wanting to give the whole "Sandbox" impression and it works in theory.

The only problem is that this mission structure makes the main story laughably thin. It distills down to only a handful of actual story missions and a series of "Capture the outpost" missions in which you have to secure a drop-point for the faction du jour. After that, it’s just a series of time-trail mini games and a lot of them are hard to swallow. I find it hard to believe that it is of vital importance to the Allied cause that I fly their helicopter through a series of floating rings (I blame this on you, Superman 64).

On the positive note, the faction system has been completely revamped. Even if you go on a rampage on a particular faction, it won't affect your relationship if you can kill the enemy soldier who tries to report your actions to their leader. This actually gave firefights some depth, as I always had to be aware of that one soldier retreating to get to a safe place to make his phone call. Of course, even if you can’t stop them from making the call, you can always bribe the factions into liking you, but that's expensive and we need money for weapons of raining death.

Graphics

As said earlier, the best thing about this game is the Air-strikes and that stays true even in a graphical sense. Lighting effects for explosions in this game are, by far, the best lighting system I’ve seen in a game this year. When the camera is centered on an explosion, everything around the flames actually darkens as if the retina itself has to adjust to the intense light. Meanwhile, trees are incinerated as a cloud of debris bubbles outward.

Understand that Mercenaries 2 is by no means and ugly game. It has a decent bump mapping system and even destructible environments, something that most sandbox games lack. Yet at times, it’s an incredibly unpolished game. Everywhere I went, I noticed clipping issues and invisible walls. It even got in the way of combat at times, especially when the soldier I'm trying to kill is actually "inside" a rock calling the faction leader and I cant do jack about it.

Oh, and the buildings may be destructible, but impact craters are little more that manure-looking pieces of mud on the ground. Disturbing to say the least.

Furthermore, the character animations outside of combat are laughably horrid. Things like talking make the characters look like Pinocchio asking Mister Geppetto for more Nukes. Furthermore, during conversations with faction contacts, the characters are incredibly devoid of any emotion, like their wives are off to the side forcing them to interact at some bizarre soldier of fortune mixer.

While we’re on the dialogue, sound is an incredible disappointment. Principle characters come off as tired and forced, while others are irritating. Examples: the "Bro-Ham" Allied Soldiers or the Texas Redneck Oil Mercenaries who constantly complain they are "just in it for the money".

And I don't mind my character shooting off the occasional one liner in battle, but hearing Nilson spouting "Hey you on the .50 cal how bout an air strike" repeatedly made me want to reach in and beat him to death with his own tattooed arm.

Presentation and Conclusion

In a bizarre way, I understand the mission system in this game. You spend less time doing required missions in order to play around and hunt the HVTs and destroy target buildings. This makes the game slightly innovative, but at the same time it denigrates it. Allow me to expand: one of the things I loved about the first game was the mission briefing the faction leaders would personally give you at be beginning of a contract. It made sense because I developed a connection with those characters. They would applaud me when I worked well with them and grill me when I do annoying things like mow down entire squads of their troops. It helped reinforce the point that I was part of a larger world: a world with a sense order in chaos.

Mercenaries 2: World in Flames barely has any interaction with the faction leaders. Most of the time, you’re hanging out with the cookie cutter contacts and they barely deviate from one another. This damages the whole experience, like I’m somehow alone in some weird splinter dimension where I can level half a country and no one would really care as long as I bribed the right faction. All in all, it never feels like my presence is ever being appreciated.

I cannot fully condemn Mercenaries 2: World in Flames. It’s not bad, or even mediocre. At certain spots, one can note elements of genius, vision, and even raw, uncut fun permeating the experience. The problem is that Mercenaries 2 is, in reality, a sloppy game. The story is handled too quickly and the game mechanics are incredibly flawed. Furthermore, a lot of it seems like Need for Speed underground with guns and air strikes, which I suspect, is mostly EA’s fault.

Rating: Rent it

PS: bonus points if you know how the Reference at the beginning relates to the game

Random Facts about Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps

2008-08-13T14:13:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was in my neighbors house watching the Olympic swimming competition when I saw the American swim team set a world record in the relay. Although it was a team effort, it was the work of Michael Phelps that got the US of A half a lap a head of every else. With everyone beaming over the Olympic athlete, I thought I would take a break from the gaming theme I've held to recently and tell everyone some random tidbits about Michael Phelps.

* Michael Fred Phelps was born in Baltimore Maryland on June 30th, 1985

* He currently holds 11 olympic gold medals, more than any Olympic Athlete, and holds several world records in swimming related events.

* In his childhood, he was diagnosed with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and began swimming as an "outlet for his restless energy".

* He is related, on the genetic level, with God.

* At 19, he came in 2nd at a local swimming competition, but only because he had to spend the majority of it slaying the vicious Sea Hydra that had snuck into the pool earlier that morning.

* Michael Phelps once rescued an entire classroom of orphans (and their puppies) from a sinking ship.

* While the Bogeyman checks under his bed every night for Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris checks under his bed every night for Michael Phelps.

*Michael Phelps was once cursed by the sea God Poseidon to sail the seas continuously for ten years. Upon hearing this, Michael Phelps swam deep into Poseidon's underwater doom fortress, defeated his evil Mer-Orcs, and punched him in the face. "Stop punching me in the face!" cried Poseidon as he reversed the curse.

*Michael Phelps can five star "Through Fire and Flames" on Guitar Hero III... on expert. Subsequently, he can also six, seven, and eight star it as well.

..

...

...

(Sources: Wikipedia)

Wild West Guns: Because what else are you gonna do in the old West other than shoot bandits?

2008-08-07T17:23:00.001-07:00

If the last E3 was any indication, Nintendo seems to have all but abandoned the prospect of making any decent first-party titles in favor of games that make adults in business suits dance around like jerks. With Nintendo obsessed with more "casual" games such as "Wii Music" and "Wii Sports", its up to the relatively green indie developers on WiiWare to come up with something worth shaking my Wiimote at. One such attempt at this is Gameloft's "Wild West Guns", which is now available on the Wii shop Channel for 1000 points. And believe it or not, there is a fun and charming, although admittedly simple, game to be had here.

Premise

There is no real "story" to speak of. You appear to be a sheriff (or Lone Ranger, or "bad ass Bounty hunter" as I like to imagine) in a town in the Old West. Using your trusty Six shooter, you must shoot your way through six chapters with three stages each. Each chapter contains two mini-games, followed by an extended rail shooting sequence where players face off against a waves of bandits, badmen, renegade Indians, and suicide bombing Mexican Midgets (I swear that is an actual activity you perform in this game). You can go it alone, or invite a friend in either Co-op or Vs.

There is definitely an undercurrent of nostalgia to this game. The game harkens back to the light gun arcade shooters of the mid-90s, such as "Point Blank" or "Mad Dog McCree" (without the corny live actors, of course). It even seems reminiscent of old shooting galleries of Carnivals, fairgrounds, and amusement parks (ask your grand parents, they'll know what I'm talking about).

Gameplay, Level design and Graphics

"Wild West Guns" takes after its Arcade and Midway predecessors closely. You gain points for shooting targets while gaining score multipliers for hit streaks and not getting shot. There is plenty of variety in the mini-games, despite the fact that most of them distill down to "shoot enemy/target X in Y amount of time". This simplicity is salvaged by some truly clever level design. The levels have secret targets (hanging signs, TNT detonators, horse troughs, etc) that can be shot for bonus points in addition to regular points. Secret targets comes off as more of a novelty at times, since regular targets shot in succession wield more points, but they never take away from the game play and finding them adds a little variety to the game play.

The graphics are well enough for a budget title, but don't expect "Super Mario Galaxies" quality graphics here. This is a budget title on the Wii and it shows.

Controls

The controls are pretty simple and can be handled by anyone even distantly familiar with the Wiimote's mechanics:

1. Point Wiimote at thing you want dead/shattered/"blowed up".
2. Push A or B
3. Thing dies/shatters/"dun gets blowed up"

In other words, anyone who has WiiPlay or any other Wii Party game won't have any trouble. You can use the Wii Zapper too, but since I don’t have one and don’t know anyone who will admit to buying one, I'll move on.

Difficulty & Replayability

The game offers enough of a challenge, but veterans of Arcade light gun games (or even Wii Party games) will be able to cruise through it in less than an hour (if that). Unlike earlier light gun games, it is also nearly impossible to "lose". You have a point quota you need to fulfill in order to reach the next chapter and if you don't, you have to replay the current chapter until you do. Some may find this too easy, but I see it as casual gaming alternative to the old light gun dilemma of "goddammit I didn't see that guy in the corner of the screen!" Xbox arcade fans will be pleased there are achievements to add some replayability, but I unlocked about 70 percent of them on the first play through. Overall, once you've played this game, you may not feel compelled to play it again.

Judgment

Difficulty and replay issues aside, "Wild West Guns" presents itself so damn well its hard not to like it. The "Wild West shooting gallery" aesthetic is always lovable and still works today. This is a game for people who pine for the old days “point blank” and “Police Trainer”. It’s a pleasant walk down "light-gun arcade" memory lane, a time-travel back to the days when it was fully acceptable to aim your gun at a bad guy, point and pull the trigger. If this were a full Retail title, I would be tempted to give it a middle of the road "try". Since it’s only a mere 1000 Wii points, however, it is well worth the purchase.

Judgement: Get it

Soul Caliber 4: Like a sword fetishists wet dream (with breastesses)

2008-08-01T22:24:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make: I hate fighting games.

Now I know what most gamers' reaction to this will be. "O Richard! U only hatez em cause you sux at em! Stoopid noob!" Truthfully, I have no really argument to this statement. Its true that I do suck at fighting games. My only really response to this can be summed up in one word: "So?"

Truthfully, how can I enjoy doing something when it takes the time equivalent of a college career to master the basic controls only to last five seconds against a rubber band AI?

I love a challenge, but when Motaro from Mortal Kombat 3 blocks every attack I throw at him only to pick me up and toss me across the screen with an unblockable throw attack right before juggling my body in mid-air with a series of impossibly timed teleport kicks...

...

...

...

I'm sorry, I just never thought I would ever have to say that in a Blog. "Impossibly timed Teleport kicks". Interesting.

One fighting series I make an exception for is the Soul Caliber series for the simple fact that it's easier. Its a game for the average Joe and Jane gamer who are more interested in just hitting each other with ornate magical swords rather than getting a PHD in 10-hit bullshit combos. Yes, the Soul Caliber series has always been a favorite in my gaming library, and with the fourth installment now available on the Xbox 360 and PS3, the promise of busty and nubile women spanking each other with unbridled steel lives on.

For a moment anyway.

Story and Single Player

The story is an extension of the standard Soul Caliber mythos, and most have been there before. The evil blade "Soul Edge" is once again causing trouble and its down to cast of Buxom Swordswomen, plucky adventurers, troubled Goth girls, wayward Samurai, otherworldly monsters and Jedi Masters (or Sith lords, depending on your version of the game) to either control or destroy the sword and carve their name in its dark and heroic legend.

That's not a joke. That is actually what happening in the game. To those new to the Soul Caliber experience, the word "Awesome" might come to mind. Sadly, the game seems bored with its story mode, only dealing with each characters plot line with a scrolling Marquee in the beginning and a short cut scene at the end. Each characters story mode consists of five battles, can usually be completed in about five minutes and is generally forgettable amidst the 34 characters, which is sad considering the series' superb character design.

Speaking of guest characters, this game has already had umteen-million dollars in sales for two reasons: Darth Vader and Yoda. Yes, this version gives you the option to play as either the pint sized Jedi Master or the merciless Dark Lord of the Sith. For the record, I played the Xbox 360 version with Yoda. To be objective, I dont think the Star Wars mythos fits in well with the Soul Caliber story. They had to rely on this "mystical dimensional portal" thingy to fit Yoda in and considering how benal the story mode was already, it was kind of hard to swallow. And its disappointing that you can't customize them at all or use lightsabers in character creation mode.

It not like they handle any better than the other weapons, even though canonically they should.

I said "superb Character design" earlier in terms of the visual look of the characters because the voice acting is hit and miss, usually falling on the far side of obnoxious. A lot of it really kills the mood too. Cervantes, for example, is a Pirate king whose lust for the Evil Sword drives him to devour the souls of his enemies. Now I am a fan of voice acting, but once you’re an evil pirate king who devours souls on a regular basis, you don’t need to say anything. Sadly, Cervantes feels compelled to open his mouth and when he does he comes off as a reject from the World Wrestling Federation. He might as well have said "GRRR SCARY PIRATE!” It would have had a more atmospheric affect.

Along with the single player story mode, there is your standard VS mode, online versus mode, and an arcade mode. Sadly, the RPG style "quest" mode of the previous Soul Caliber games is missing in action. In its place, we get a "Tower of Lost souls" mode where players must fight through a series of liner battles, at times completing secret objectives in order to unlock new weapons and armor for your fighters. Its "okay", but I do miss the RPG feel of the "Weapon Master" mode from Soul Caliber 2. As it stands, "Tower" does not seems to offer the depth of its "Weapon Master" predecessor.

Furthermore, the character creation mode from Soul Caliber 3 makes a return, allowing players to not only make their own characters but to also customize pre-existing characters. I have to say, this was where the Role-playing nut in me went wild. He went wild for two reasons:

1. As characters are used more often, they acquire more skill points that can be used to grant them abilities in combat. In "character creation", you can customize these abilities to suit your own characters play style.

2. Visual options for characters are incredibly numerous, which is wonderful because I've have always secretly wanted to have Ivy Valentine disguised as a Harlequin themed sex slave infiltrating a Harlequin themed sex slave ring in order to bring down its Harlequin themed female pimps (but that's probably my own specific role-playing fantasy).

Multiplayer

Online Multiplayer is functional enough. There does not appear to be any serious lag and you can even use your custom characters in it. The only issue is that the learning curve is steep, especially after dealing with the pushover AI of the story mode. More often than naught, I was "Ring Outed" before I could even get an attack in. Some of the players you will encounter are ridiculously skilled at this game, which is frustrating to a gamer that still has nightmares of Motaro's teleport-kick-juggling bullshit.

Controls and Gameplay

Like previous Soul Caliber games, SC 4's controls are pretty easy to pick up and play, but do require some study in order to master. Each character has a series of subtle nuances that make their combat style unique, and players should experiment with them in training mode if they want to make any kind of progress online. To long time fans, however, this is pretty much the same game play they've always loved. The one difference is the addition of a soul gauge that changes color as the fighter blocks more attacks and leaves players open to a special attack if it turns red. Honestly, I’m not sure how it works, so I rarely bothered with it. Even so, it definitely does not rob from the experience in anyway.

Judgement

I've spent a lot of time praising this game, so the next sentence is going to seem weird.

For long time fans of the series, there is nothing really new here. Even so, Soul Caliber 4 doesn’t need to be innovative. It’s always been the simpler and more accessible cousin to its 2D counterparts and that’s okay. Even so, if you've played other Soul Caliber games you know what to expect here. If you’re a long time fan, of either the series or the genre, you'll want to pick it up right now. But if your new to the soul Caliber Series or other fighting games, you might want to rent it or hold off buying it right away.

Judgement: Try it!

Nintendo: What we were promised

2008-07-19T19:52:00.000-07:00

Before I saw the actual Nintendo E3 Press Conference on G4, I read the reactions online. Many words were passed around in those hours afterward, but the ones that kept recurring were "sellouts", "embarrassment", "shallow", and "failure". When I finally saw clips of the conference, I said to myself "might as well add 'Banal' to that list."

Whatever the case, it appears that no one likes Nintendo and their "little console that could" as of late. Many would say that Nintendo was too reliant on their "Casual" fan base and has abandoned the hardcore faithful entirely. If you were only judging this years E3, you would say that Nintendo simply got too cocky "this time", but you would be short sighted. You see I have seen this tragedy coming for months now, and have already shed my tears.

Let me take you back. All the way back to an ancient time and place called "Fourth Quarter 2006". At the time, the Wii seemed like something that I absolutely needed to have. It was something that was interesting and revolutionary, a true vision of gaming creativity. It was A gaming console that not only had online capabilities, but an intuitive motion based control system. Furthermore, it would have all of the Iconic Nintendo Characters I've come to know and love, starting with, arguably, the most beloved Nintendo Character; Link in "Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess". Furthermore, if I didn't feel like buying "Twilight Princess" right away, it didn't matter. Nintendo gave me a free game, and possibly the best sports game of 2006, called "Wii sports". And if I didn't feel like going to the store at all, there was an online shop called "Shop Channel" where I could buy not only classic games for the NES, Super NES, and Nintendo 64, but even Sega Genesis titles as well.

And the best part: Nintendo promised that key members of the Nintendo "Pantheon" would be making an appearance on the Wii, from "Metroid Prime 3" to "Super Mario Galaxy", and even (my favorite) a new "Super Smash Brothers".

Yes, everything was right with the world.

What went wrong?

My first indicator of problems was the graphics. Despite being ahead of the curve in both controls and gameplay, the Wii's graphical power seemed no better than a cleaner and shinier version of the Nintendo Gamecube. And yet, I forgave it. As an adamant PC gamer who values performance rather than beauty, I realize that sometimes sacrifices must be made in order to make sure the game runs in a timely manner. So I was content with the graphics.

The next sign of trouble was a little game called "Red Steel", a first-person-action title in which you battle the Yakuza in order to save your girlfriend. As the first FPS on the console, Red Steel had a lot of promise. Gamers anticipated a game play style in which players could aim and fight in a way that emulated real combat. Furthermore, Red Steel promised a sword fighting mechanic in which players could wield the Wii-mote like a real sword, using it to block and parry your opponent.

Yet sadly, Red Steel turned out to be slightly more than mediocre. The Combat was repetitive. The story was banal. And what’s worse, the controls for the Sword were frustrating. It was too often that players would parry when they meant to thrust and visa-versa.

Red Steel's mediocrity alone was not damning for the Wii. Many release titles for any console are not excellent. The problem was that Red Steel and games like it made third party developers realize that making quality games for the Wii was going to be difficult. We cannot really blame them for feeling like this. The Wii was a new concept, after all, and many were just not ready to buy the ticket and take the ride. This, along with the graphical weakness of the console, led to the Wii missing out on many Multi-Platform games, such as "Devil May Cry 4", "Grand theft auto 4" and "Assassin's Creed". The Wii was just too weak to handle them.

What's more, what big third party titles that did come out for the Wii seemed of a lesser quality than their Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 counterparts. The Wii version of "Guitar Hero 3", for example, promised the option to download tracks online. And yet, the actual product featured no downloadable tracks whatsoever. We waited for months and months for either Nintendo or Red Octane to deliver while 360 and PS3 gamers relished in celebratory downloadable content. Meanwhile, Wii gamers got nothing.

Now it was getting serious. The gamers had not just been disappointed: they had been outright lied to.

Even though third party developers were hesitant to get on the Wii bandwagon, the die-hard Nintendo faithful did not care. The crux of Nintendo's existence has always been its first party support, and Nintendo promised it well enough. Games like "Metroid Prime 3: Corruption" and "WarioWare: Smooth Moves" promised to bring our most loved Nintendo characters to the next generation.

Even so, there was a problem.

"Metroid Prime 3" was no more than a Gamecube Metroid Game with the Wii-mote controls tacked on. Meanwhile, "WarioWare: Smooth Moves" was too short and played more like a tech demo one might see at E3. Whats more, it soon began to seem like Nintendo was moving away from its flagship franchises when it announced games like "WiiPlay" and "WiiFit", along with peripherals like a balance board and a Wii Zapper. As we moved into the 2007 holiday season, Nintendo's hardcore faithful looked at each other with a sense of unease.

The one ray of hope in 2007 was "Super Mario Galaxy", which was the first "true" Mario game since "Super Mario Sunshine". It contained a unique world and truly fascinating game play. Likewise, the graphics were actually amazing for a Wii game: beautiful and stylish. With this, we knew that with the right art style, even a Wii game could put a PS3 game to shame. For once, the Nintendo hardcore had received the feast they were promised: a first party title that lived up to the hype.

Even so, we still wanted a decent online multi-player experience. At this point, the Wii had a few attempts at Online play in its library, but nothing exceptional. It was not until April of 2008 that the first truly anticipated multi-player game would come out.

"Super Smash Brothers: Brawl" was by no means a bad game. It was not even a mediocre game. It was a phenomenal game. It was not as mature or intuitive as other games maybe, but it was still incredibly fun to play. "Super Smash Bros." has always been about letting gamers pit all of their favorite Nintendo characters against each other and "Brawl" was no exception. The joy felt when unlocking a new character was the greatest since the days of the Super Nintendo. Yet, it was also the joy of learning the subtle secrets of each character, learning to use their Final Smashes at the right time to dominate the opponent. Yes, it was random and nonsensical at times, but it did not matter. Nintendo had delivered another solid first party title.

But what about online?

As you logged in, you were greeted by two options: Play with friends or play anonymous player. Anonymous was usually the first choice, since it was quicker. You were usually mobbed with five-ten minute waits if they were lucky. When they finally did get to play, they were limited to a two-minute brawl that usually had horrible lag and especially in a fighting game, lag is not your friend.

Brawling with friends was usually smoother, but what did you have to do to get that? You had to look online, usually on a gaming forum, for another player and write down his or her "Brawl Code", which was twelve digits, and manual enter it into your friends list. Then, you go back onto the forum and message the player your brawl code and "hope" they decide to add you. Assuming they do, you might be lucky enough to catch them online before they end up in a game with any of their friends.

After this, it dawned on us: "Super Smash Brothers: Brawl" had a horrible online multi-player. It was a multi-player experience unacceptable for a game released in 2008. It would have been a bad multi-player experience for the PC in 1998. On retrospect, there was no reason for this game to have as bad of an online mode as it did. Mario Kart Wii, which came out only a month later, had a near flawless online experience. This leaves many to wonder: why?

I am not saying that the Nintendo Wii is beyond hope. "WiiWare" offers indie game makers the chance to make original content for the little white console. Plus, High Voltage's first person shooter "The Conduit" promises graphics never before seen on a Wii. Hell, we're still getting a first party game in the form of "Animal Crossing: City Folk".

Nintendo's problem, however, is that it cut too many corners. It forced gamers to make too many concessions. They relied on last generation graphics. They failed to secure third party support. They have become too dependent on casual games, almost abandoning the beloved characters that made them a powerhouse in the industry. And worst of all, they appear to be refusing to put any real thought into their online support. These four things together have created a very dangerous world for the Wii.

Some may say, "Well, it cost you 250 dollars, so you get what you paid for". Does that mean that Nintendo will not even try? At what point does something become so cheap, it proponents no longer care?

E3, or "how i learned to stop worrying and love Fallout 3

2008-07-16T14:36:00.000-07:00

I seriously want to know why E3 is invitation only. It is obviously a press and industry event. I can understand that. But its not like they don't know people want to go to this thing. Who are they showing it off to then? Themselves? Are they just sitting in these conference rooms and show rooms going "weren't we so cool for coming up with this shit? But don’t show anyone on the outside. They cant play >__<"

Anyway, as one of the gaming peasants, who were not blessed with a game design degree from Devry, I must gather all my information on E3 from G4 and other media outlets. Getting my information from G4 has been, for lack of a better word, "sketchy" and "awkward", considering the fact that they feel compelled to advertise their new game show "Hurl", where contestants enter an eating contest before being sent through a gyroscope until they lose their constitutions and literally "Hurl".

I wish I was Joking, but that is a real show that someone green lit.

When not promoting public vomiting on cable Television, G4 does actually show footage of the various press events and game demos from this year’s conference. Here are some things that piqued my attention.

Fallout 3

I can pinpoint the exact moment when Fallout 3 ceased to be just another game for me and when I finally said "Jesus, I'm camping the line for this shit!" It was during the Microsoft press event when Todd Howard of Bethesda games said the following statement:

"... so I am going to switch to the Fat Man, which is a miniature nuclear bomb catapult."

0__0 <--- my expression.

Is Fallout 3 seriously giving players a world where people can launch nuclear weaponry from my shoulder?

Is this something I can actually do?

No longer must I rely on sluggish, confusing nuclear launch codes to wage atomic warfare! The future is here and it’s a nuclear bomb catapult!

Otherwise, I was surprised by the VATS mechanic, where the player can select specific body parts automatically on his enemies. I didn’t understand why a headshot causes someone’s arms and legs to spontaneously fly off, but I suppose that does not matter. All anyone needs to know about this game is that YOU GET A SHOULDER MOUNTED CATAPULT THAT LAUNCHES NUCLEAR BOMBS. And whenever you are compared to a shoulder mounted catapult that launches nuclear bombs, you are going to fucking lose.

Gears of War 2

Let’s be honest with ourselves: Gears of War 1 had a wonderful single player and CO-OP with a multi-player that could go fuck itself. There were a number of reasons for this, but the most specific reason was that the Gnasher (or shotgun, because calling it a Gnasher does not change the fact that its a fucking Shotgun) was Bullshit. You could land five perfect shots on your opponents head with your Lancer only to be insta-gibed by some ten year old rolling about and firing his shotty randomly and hitting you once on your foot. This of course meant that playing GOW as a cover based shooter was pointless, since your opponent could just rush up to your position head long and blow you away without consequence.

The remedy for this was that you had to pull out your shotty and roll around randomly like an epileptic frog until, by the grace of God, you could instagib him. This, of course, was a coin toss, and made the game ultimately unplayable for me.

Gears of war Dos (or 2, for the gringos) promises to remedy this with what Cliff Blezinski of Epic games calls "stopping Power", which stops rolling morons dead in their tracks with a hail of bullets. No more will I have to deal with the controller snapping frustration exploding from shotgun damage to my little toe.

Furthermore, GOW 2 offers much more in the game play department. The ability to pick up fallen enemies and use them as "meat" shields appeals to the crafty sadist in me in a way that no other game does. I also like the new head stomp animations. It seems that using your sniper rifle as a bludgeoning device to just beat your opponent to death is not only effective, but rather sporting as well.

Final Fantasy XIII on the Xbox 360

Hear that sound? That is the sound of a million Sony Fan-boys suddenly crying out in terror and suddenly silenced.

Who really can blame Final Fantasy Publisher Square Enix for jumping the PS3 exclusivity ship? Sony is in last place as far as console sales. Furthermore, when they do sell consoles they still lose money since the cost of making the damn thing is more than the retail price. Sony screwed up on a massive fucking level this generation. So it’s no surprise that Final Fantasy XIII will now see a version on the Xbox 360.

Funny thing though: I still know absolutely nothing about this game. I know there will be a girl in an industrial/cyberpunk/medieval fantasy world fighting bad guys but what else? Will it be in real time like FF XII was? Will it go back to turn based? No one tells us this shit. We need the info Square!

Anyway, look for more E3 coverage* in the following days!

(* and by coverage, I mean me talking about things I saw on G4)

Diablo 3: Quit your bitching, seriously

2008-07-01T11:26:00.001-07:00

Like most of the gaming population, I've spent the past three days wetting myself with glee over the official announcement that Diablo 3 is finally being made. I don't think I could be any more excited over a game that this. Diablo 2 was among the most addictive games from my adolescence and I look forward to becoming addicted all over again.

For those not in the know, Diablo is an RPG that takes place in a gothic medieval fantasy world where the forces of darkness constantly threaten to throw the world into chaos. The original two and their respective expansions were noted for their dark and cynical atmospheres and immerse gameplay, which is odd because its primarily made up of the player clicking on everything that moves until everything that moves is dead.

Still, the Diablo games are awesome. Its been about 7 years since the last Diablo expansion came out. Blizzard, the makers of the Diablo and World Of WarCraft franchises, have been notorious for their delays for years. It took them ten years to make a second Starcraft game for Gods sake. But hell, we all knew Diablo 3 was coming eventually.

I mean, how many hookers and how much blow can the profits of World of Warcraft buy really?

But not all is content in Diablo-land. As seen in this petition, the natives are restless

Don't feel like reading? Well let me break it down. After seeing the first screen shots, people are upset that Diablo 3 does not look "Dark, Gothic and realistic enough". They claim that Blizzard has been too influenced by World Of Warcraft and has made the game too happy a peppy.

Its a world where Satan seeks to enslave and corrupt all mankind. How happy and peppy can it get?

Just so we're clear, these people are the same kind of assholes who have been complaining that World of Warcraft is a "dumbed down" version of an MMORPG. You know the type. The same person who still plays Ultima Online because its more "teh hardcorez". These are the same people who claim that Everquest 2 was superior because of...

*finger quotes* Grittier and more realistic looking armor *end finger quotes*.

Now I am completely aware that a game series coming back after a long hiatus may not be that good. I'm looking at you Doom 3 and quake 4. Yet this is Blizzard we're talking about. They make it a point to hum and haw and drag their feet just so they know they are not making a derivative, satisfactory, "rushed to the shelves" product that will end up in the 9.99 bin at Wal-Mart a week later.

These are the people who gave us Korea's competitive gaming title of choice.
These are the people who gave us the most artistically creative MMORPG ever made.
These are the people who gave us the most addictive dungeon crawler out there.

If they want to put rainbows and unicorns and little pink bunnies in their games, who the hell are you to argue?

ILove The New Millenium: No fucking way

2008-06-22T23:08:00.000-07:00

As I sit here, writing this blog, I watch "Ilove the New Millenium", VH1's latest attempt to mine nostalgic gold from our collective sub-conscious.

Now i love the "I love the" series. Its a self absorbed, petty, superficial look at the fads of yesteryear and I am fine with that. Hell, "I Love the 80's" began the revivalist movement of this decade. As previously stated, I myself am a big fan of the 90's and cannot wait until we can look upon my cherished decade with nostalgic bliss and humorous embarrassment.

But i believe that I have a moral imperative to say this:

"Ilove The New Millennium" is a sin against the universe. That is right. Not against Society. Not against God. Not even against Nature. Its a sin against the fabric of the universe.

Evil morbid things happened to make this show possible. Dark alliances were formed with evil entities. Human Sacrifices to forgotten gods were made. And for some God forsaken reason, Amy Lee of Evanescence has a spray on tan.

The innocent have been corrupted: the Goths have been made to be prep.

*lights a cigarette*

Well... might as well keep watching =/

"The Macarena" and other sins of the 90's

2008-06-07T22:52:00.000-07:00

I was browsing over at Escapist magazine a couple days ago and happened to stumble upon (as opposed to stepping on, right?) and article about fashions decades. The author, known as "Spanner", had this to say about the 90's:

The '90s bore the burden of a half century of teeny bopping, disco dancing, punk rocking, jive talking gaudiness, and the children of that decade chose to be depressingly discerning. The fools refused to sacrifice themselves on the ostentatious altar of bad taste, and while this might make holiday photos far more tolerable 10 years hence, an entire decade now goes unrecognized.

No one ever says, "Oh my god. That's, like, soooo '90s." And why would you? People were well dressed, comedy was intelligent, the general populous worked hard (and smart), music was tuneful; it was boring as fuck. - Spanner, "Identity of a decade".Link goes here

Im just gonna have to stop him there.

I responded to him in his articles comment section about a number of different embaressing trends, but i think ill start here with the most blatently obvious:

The Macarena.

There, i just invalidated his entire statement. But for the sake of the younglings present, ill explain.

"The Macarena", much like "Walk like an Egyptian" before it, was a song that required its participants to dance. Written by Los Del Rios, the dance involved extending your hands... honestly i don't remember how you did the dance. I just remember everyone was doing this goddamn dance. They're used to be parties of people, with fields... endless fields... of Macarena dancers.

Retrospectively, the funniest thing about this dance was the fact that everyone (moms, dads, kids, grandparents and the family dog) was dancing to this song. However, i wonder if middle America would feel the same way if they listened to the lyrics:

Now don't you worry about my boyfriend
The boy who's name is Vitorino
I don't want him, couldn't stand him
He was no good so I
Now come on, what was I suppose to do
He was out of town and his two friends were so fine - Los Del Rios, "Macarena"

So essentially, little old grandmas and Elementary school teachers were dancing to a song about a girl having three way sex with her boyfriend's mates.

...

...

...

...

Fun Times!

But the 90's was more than just a piss poor song about a hooker. Just a few more pardon shots on the 90's, told to you by the boy who became a man in them:

Ray-Ban Sunglasses- These really took off in 97 when they were featured in the movie "Men in Black" with Will Smith. I really don't see why, come to think of it. They look just like regular sunglasses, except a little darker. even so, i took to these things like they were a goddamn holy relic.

Okay well, i didn't really wear them per se. Ray-ban sunglasses cost upwards of $50 and I couldn't quite pull it off on a 12 year old's salary. Still, i was able to convince my mother to buy me some cheap 10 dollar imitations from Thrifty's. Hence, the illusion was maintained. I still remember going to our Christian convention (i was Christian back then) in my dress suit and ray-ban-esque sunglasses, pulling out my silver-coated pen/ neuralizer and telling girls to "stare at my little red light".

Flanel and torn jeans (grunge look)- Yeah, Kurt Cobain started this one. For a while every alternative and punk fan wanted to don faded flanel with torn jeans and move to Seattle. The whole "my clothes are tattered, just like my dreams" aesthetic was popular with high school misfits. Being a former high school misfit myself, i can understand that somewhat. Sadly, it was 99 when I started high school so i missed out on the grunge look. Some of you might wonder what the whole point was, but you should remember that it was started by Kurt Cobain and if the suicidal king of apathetic Alternative rock music thought it was cool, who the fuck are you to argue?

POGs- Lets get one thing straight: I have no fucking idea why these went away and fervently await their revival!

POGs were little cardboard, plastic, and metal discs used in a game. You play by placing you and your opponents cardboard POGs on a stack. during your turn, you pick up the metal or plastic ones, called "slammers", and throw them down on the stack as hard as you can. Any that land face up are considered a point (and, if playing for keeps, are yours). Whoever turns up the most wins.

For a brief glittering moment in 1994, you were no one among the Elementary school crowd unless you had POGs. Schoolyard alliances were forged and destroyed over these things. Soon, roving POG gangs began to form, who would challenge rival gangs to POG wars. Songs were sung. Innocences corrupted. Lives lost. Civilization as we knew it reduced to ash and and broken brick. And my gang rose to power, calling ourselves "The Dead Rabbits", quashing the tattered pulp of society under our leather clad jack boots!

...... which is probably why my school banned them... after which, we all just started playing tether-ball again.... *Ahem*

IN conclusion, I think the issue that Mr. Spanner has with the 90's is that he and the rest of us are not far enough from the decade to be looking at it retrospectively yet. From my observation, decades do not pass completely into retrospective observation until you are a full decade away from a decade. Because lets face it: some people are still into the fashions and trends of the 90's un-ironically.

Hell, I still wear my Black leather Trench coat, A-la "The Matrix"

I really needed a laugh

2008-05-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

It comes in at about 0:40 and has to be the funniest statement ever made in reference to Barack Obama.

It suprises me to see that we still have racists in this country. Although in a few of these peoples defense, i do not think they would even call themselves racist. A few simply stated that they would rather "vote for Hilary" rather than not "vote for Obama". The fact that he's Muslim bothered me a little bit, but then I guess i have to trust the fact that if he wanted to completely change America into a Taliban like Muslim Theocracy, he would have a lot of work to do. The way this country is supposed to work is that neither the President nor the Senate or Congress (I honestly dont remember which has more power) has complete and uncontested power. Recently, this system has been problematic, especially when the Majority of the Senate calls for a declaration to end the war and Bush just vetoes it once and its defeated.

Finally, Im registered to vote and for once I'm excited. Now if my canidate does not win, I have the right to gloat "dont blame me, i voted for the other guy" (or girl, should I decide to Vote for hilary, but honestly, I dont see that happening since she's vowed to take my games). This newly given right to gloat is something precious to me, since I secretly dispise my fellow man.

I'm registered as independent because I am morally opposed to the idea of labeling myself as one party or another. Once you do that, immedietly people begin to label you as one thing or another, assuming you stand for certain values just because you are a Democrat or Republican. Normally, I would not give, what the common lexicon would call "two shits" about what people thought about me. The only problem is that once I'm labelled as "Democrat" or "Republican", ill end up getting phone calls and emails on how I "should do this and that" and "how I have to stand up and support a cause to the bitter end" when all I really want to do is play some Team Fortress 2 and be left the fuck alone.

Come election day, I think im gonna vote for Obama, because lets face it: Hillary is far too conservative for my tastes. She's calling for Federal regulation on Video Game ratings (something not even the film and recording industry have to put up with) and once you do that, you have just lost all sympathy from me. Furthermore, there is no way I am putting another Republican in office, no matter what occurs.

If I wanted to get choked to death by a sadistic Oil Baron from Texas, I'd just move to Texas.

Review Time!: Mario Kart Wii

2008-04-27T22:52:00.000-07:00

I happened to pick up Mario Kart Wii this Sunday, which puts me in an odd position. On the one hand, I would like to get as much play time in on MK Wii as I can. On the other, Monday is the day I swore I would go to my school Newspaper's staff meeting, a meeting so sadistically scheduled that I would be spending most of my day at school for one meeting. Therefore, I have reached a stunning compromise: practice my writing with a review.

So without further ado, here's my review of Mario Kart Wii for the Nintendo Wii:

Considering that Mario Kart Wii is the sixth installment of this Nintendo spin off franchise, one might think that the well of inspiration in this case has gone dry. I would like to announce, however, that the Mario Kart formula is just as potent as ever, although is it at times showing its age.

Once again, players take the role of one of the many colorful characters of the Mario Universe. This is usual for a Mario Kart game, but MK Wii mixes things up by giving you a choice of multiple karts (and motor cycles, unique for this series), each of which handles differently depending on who is driving it. The game is broken into several engine classes: 50cc (karts only), 100cc (bikes only) and 150cc (karts and bikes). As you progress, new carts, cycles and racers become available, allowing you to choose a combination that best suits the track style needed.

For the first time since Wii Sports, I can honestly say that the Wii's controls have finally impressed me. Sure, Super Smash Bros. Brawl had decent Wiimote and Nunchuk controls, but it was pretty much negated by the fact that they let you use the retro or Gamecube controller to play, which pretty much made Brawl a remake of SSB:Melee. With MK Wii, we finally see a fully realized Wiimote experience. The wheel attachment makes steering easier, yet is not needed to play effectively. The steering controls are a huge improvement over other Wii Racing titles, with less of the unresponsive and jerky mechanics that made other racers unplayable. Thats not to say you shouldn't try the Wiimote and Nunchuk controls if youre having trouble. In fact, the Wiimote-nun chuck is pretty much required to pull off the more complex maneuvers in the game.

Furthermore, the drift-boost first implemented in Mario Kart 64 has been streamlined. In manual drift mode, the strength of your boost is proportional to how long you drift. In automatic, drift-boosting is easier but not able to reach higher speeds. This offers more of a challenge and reward for more experienced players.

Graphically, Mario Kart Wii seems to be Mario Kart Double Dash with a few of the edges smoothed over a bit. It is rather disappointing to me sometimes that Wii titles are so graphically bland. The true strength of this title, however, comes from the design standpoint. The vehicles of this game seem reminiscent of real world vehicles, yet appear distorted when viewed through the eyes of the Mario universe. It was a light aesthetic touch that I found interesting.

The tracks of MK Wii are vibrant and lush, a true staple of the series. Furthermore, the track design is one of the most creative I have seen in racing games, encouraging players to take unique risks in order to get the best rewards. For example, I approach a sharp turn where the outside edge track is raised with a small boost strip and a line of power up boxes along the top. I could simply drift along the turn, gaining a small boost or i could aim for the raised jump and power-ups, hoping for a red shell, or even a pow Box (more on the power-ups later). The tracks are nice, but a good half of them are tracks that have been in previous Mario Karts. Sure, Bowsers castle from Mario Kart 64 was fun, but its a sign of laziness when you use it again.

Furthermore, the difficulty curve is pretty manageable They run the the gambit from "pretty easy" in the early cups and engine classes to "Oh Jesus, you have to be kidding" in the more advanced portions of the game. Like in previous installments, the rainbow road seems borderline on sadistic for all those casual players who are not prepared for it. The only constant frustration throughout is the way the AI racers seems to "conveniently" chain their power ups together. I cannot express the confusion in words when you are on the final lap in the final race of a circuit ready to cross the finish line when suddenly you are hit with a red shell, followed by a lightning bolt, followed by a pow box. I suspect the sinister presence of rubber band AI, although this does not make the game unplayable.

Perhaps the most unexpected pleasure of MK Wii is the extensive online feature. Up to twelve racers can take part in lag free races and battles over Nintendo's WFC. The old mentality of "having to enter someone's friend code and filling out ten items in triplicate" that plagued Super Smash Brothers Brawl is no longer available. Instead, we are treated to a near flawless, lag free multi-player competition of Xbox live quality. Furthermore, the "Mario Kart Channel" added to your Wii's dashboard allows you to join tournaments, download "ghosts runs" for time trials, and check up on regional and worldwide player rankings in real time. All of this is so remarkable, it leads this reviewer to wonder why they could not have done at least some of it for Super Smash Brothers Brawl. The only slight drawback is that players are not allowed to drop out freely. If you choose to enter a game, you are in it until the end. This was most likely done to discourage players from dropping out early and ruining everyone else's experience.

At worst, MK Wii is a more refined version of previous Mario Kart games. At its best, however, it is the most refined game of the Wii's library, as well as the the most rewarding online experiences of the year. Like other Wii titles, it thrives in a casual gamer's party atmosphere. Yet, when considering its online mode, as well as its bevy of unlockable tracks, vehicles and racers, there is something here for the more hardcore Nintendo fan as well.

AYATT's recommendation: Play it!

(my rating system is based on a two sided recommendation. Either I like a game and recommend it or I don't and disavow it. This is a similar fashion to Siskel and Ebert's "thumbs" system. I do not believe in any numerical rating system.

Love Song for a Guest Character (a poem)

2008-04-22T11:18:00.000-07:00

For L

Pirate on the edge of my story,
when will you stop being so bashful?
So much of our climax
relies on you

The hero wants more of you,
the principles are a disappointment
and the plot is going no where.
The setting is stale;
too many heroes have been there before.
The themes are contradicting each other
and everyone wonders why it won't end.
The Critics just wonder why I bother.

This story of mine needs a change.

It needs your raven hair and pale skin
the perfect canvas for the tattoos you adorn.
They love being so creatively placed
upon the curves of your slender supple form.

The few scenes you appeared;
your dialog could not be heard
because the audience would not stop cheering.
you added that touch of humanity
my story was thirsty for.
They wanted your adventures
of pirates and serpents and Gods of the sea.

I long to write more scenes with you.
They'll make for exciting tales.
Of war and peace, love and apathy.
You of your pirates, me of my vampires
together and in love at last.
Enough of this pithy suburban wasteland
And its meaningless politics (so boring...)

Why cant i find a place for you
in this story in need of you?
the hero wants to find you
but he's too busy trying to reach the end.

Do you fear the principles?
I know, they frighten me too sometimes.
They love their simple plots
and nonsensical endings
Of the vampires and pirates defeated,
left loveless and vilified
Praising their knights and kings
as they sing "happily ever after".
Life isn't like that, they should know...

Pirate on the edge of my story
when will you stop being so bashful?
So much of our climax
relies on you.

My Mission Statement

2008-04-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

I do not concern myself with the superficial. I never have. The truth is that such an enterprise would destroy me, turn us into a fool, and take me from the integrity of my artistry.

I have always believed that as a writer, it was my prerogative to take the world and tear it down with words, only to rebuild it into something else: something divine yet exotic. I must observe the picture, see how those presented in it relate to one another and give them a life. How could i do that if i became just another subject in its space, allowing the picture to absorb me into its reality?

As long as i do not get absorbed into the minutia of it all, I have a chance. I must see the picture as a whole, but still be able to get close to notice how each subject is refined enough to be distinct, but still able to be part of a whole. Yet I must never try to be truly part of this whole, this collective that demands I be placated to there definition of normality.

There is an eerie calm in that. I realize that I do not have to beg and pander for attention from anyone. I can find strength in my own deeds, take pride in my skills, and create works of beauty and pain.

And yet, society and the people in it frustrate me. I must still contend with those who praise the superficial, who silently revere it as their patron saint. Even those I am found of take to praising this. For example, a girl: radiant and supple, and with a wit and character unmatched among all the nymphs of our Inland Empire, comes walking by. I find myself swooning, longing for her company among all others. But what am i to speak of? I try to keep the subject on things we both love, oceans and romance and books. And still, another man comes and without he even trying, she flocks to him and silently begs for his attentions just as i pine for hers.

And in the end, I am left wondering "why is this man born with such strength with women while I am born so weak?"

I do not fear the artificial. The artificial is meant for portrayal of meaning and soul. It can be laughter and tears, comedy and tragedy, hope and despair all tied to one solitary icon. What I fear is the superficial, the tendency to gloss over someone's form and actions as popular or unpopular without first knowing why they choose to act as such.

I am Process Of Belief. I can be no more or no less.

Stealing shitty food, as well as fast food nationalism

2008-04-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

First, the video

Find more how to and instructional Tricks videos on 5min.com

If i had to risk jail time for any food, it sure as hell would not be for mcdonalds food. Why would i want to spend the next five to ten years "showering nervously" because i stole some soccer mom's McGriddle? And while we're on the McGriddle, what a horrible and disgusting excuse for a main course that was! Eggs and sausage served in between two pancakes. Why would i ever voluntarily and knowingly subject my tastebuds to such torture?

Getting back to the video, this wouldnt work in America. We dont give our orders to people. <.sarcasm> We give them to cold unfeeling computers, like good and proper human beings! If frenchland wants to get with the rest of the civilized world, they need to start learning to commune with machines like the rest of the planet <./sarcasm>

An apology To Tobacco

2008-03-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

you built this country
you devil plant you
you were our life blood for so long
keeping the purities, Quakes, and other yokels out the poor house

In the 20th, we idolized you.
All the cool people were kissing you
they kissed and told
Getting popular by making love to you

Then the corporates
with their desire of efficiency
they dolled you up, injected you with chemicals
and turned you into an addiction

Then came the PC age
with its secular crusaders for public safety
they pointed to what the corporates did
blaming it on you, "the bitch wanted it"

As a child, i heard their hate speech
spoken from creatures of the forest
Rabbits and Teddies and wise old owls,
Propaganda manchines screaming "Death to Ciggarettes!"

And then i kissed you
It was my choice, no one elses
And you got into my system
Now i kneel at your feet

So im dying at your feet
Even as i swear to quit
In love, my insides dry out
in my sweet apology to you

Bad Religion was awesome last night!

2008-03-17T11:01:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Boozer and Katie, for convincing me to go!

Channeling Christopher Marlowe

2008-03-16T13:59:00.000-07:00

I do not need friends

I am Tamburlaine
I am Faustus
I am the hated Edward the Second
I am Barabas, the Jew of Malta

I Stride the earth like a colossus
I Spurn the sight of Godly things
I care not what the world thinks of me
I think that my ends justify my means

You must learn to fear and worship me
You must never try to save me
You must, in the end, destroy me
You must mean to swindle me

I see that you Do not respect me
I see that you take to judging me
I see you no longer want me
I will see that you learn to regret it

You must understand, I am made of steel.

Enchanted got three nominations? Are you kidding me?

2008-02-24T21:12:00.000-08:00

So the Oscars were tonight. And in between "No Country For Old Men" winning almost every goddamn award, there were musical performances commemorating the five nominees for "best original song".

oh, im sorry. There were only three nominees. It only seemed like five because it read like this:

Once
August Rush
FUCKING ENCHANTED
FUCKING ENCHANTED
FUCKING ENCHANTED!

So when I found out that Enchanted was the first nominee, i thought: Okay. Maybe there was a good song in it, even though the movie dosent look like something I'd have wanted to see in theaters. Ill give it the benefit of the doubt.

And then Amy Adams started singing. It was her, alone on stage, singing a song about cleaning.

At that moment, i felt the despair and horror of a godless existence crashing down upon me.

It seemed so weak. Like she was singing to imaginary people in the midst of some psychotic breakdown.

Eventually, that song ended, and the show went on. Jon Stewart was making a joke about jumpshots and periscope shots that I found rather witty. I remember thinking "That Jon Stewart is hilarious. I should watch 'the daily show' more often. Its brand of political satire..."

And then it happened. Another song from Enchanted started playing. At which point i realized it had been nominated once again IN THE SAME CATEGORY.

So a group of performers, which this time did not include Amy Adams, took the stage. Why the fuck Amy Adams wasn't on stage for that one, hell if i know. I guess she just got tired or something, or maybe he psychotic breakdown had degenerated to the point where she just couldn't sing anymore. So we were treated to another round of ear rape from the Enchanted OST

At this point my train of thought is as such: This is the most retarded oscar lineup ever. There could not possibly be another song from Enchanted in this show. If there was a just and loving God, he would not allow that horrible sin of a movie to get another nomination.

So they start announcing the last song, and i think it might be something from Juno, or from the wonderfully upbeat There will be blood

And yet.... yeah.

This time, John Travolta came in near the end. Most likely, he had snapped from all the auditing sessions at the ol Scientology center. Must have rode to the oscars in the same car as amy adams.

But i digress.

Fortunately, Enchanted didn't even win. The Oscar went to a film called Once, which has just become my favorite movie of all time, despite the fact that I had no real desire to see it until about two hours ago. I think its about Irish people... or emo people... or Irish emos-- honestly i wasn't paying attention.

Why do you need to nominate a movie three times for a single category? It should just have one song representing the whole and thats it. And are you seriously telling me there were no other songs in movies last year? Hell, throw a little light hearted song from No Country For Old Men in there. It has to be better than that!

On a related topic, dosent Javier Bardem look like the Berries and cream kid?

Call it friendo: Berries... Or cream?

These berries and this cream have been traveling for years to get here! Now call it!

Grotesque

2008-02-07T10:29:00.000-08:00

Like every morning, i woke up in stages today. But in my final wake up moment, i remember something very specific. Right as i was waking, i pictured vividly the word "grotesque" written in pencil on a college ruled piece of paper.

Immedietly, the sound of My Chemical Romance's "Helena" filled my ears and i was awake. I shut off my Ipod alarm and immedietly commenced stretching.

Why the hell did i think "grotesque"? This was not a dream, because i remember there was a linear thought progression that lead up to "grotesque". Was it an answer to something?

It might have been that essay that i wrote in haste.
Perhaps its because i spent most of yesterday on 4Chan with that fucking sinistar (run coward!).
Or maybe it was all that flak I got from my friends over My Chemical Romance being on my Ipod.

Look, they are talented band who do wonderful music. you need to lay off of them. And stop leaving me notes in my subconcious! And if you do, make them more elaborate and for god's sake use a pen! We're all adults now. We stopped using pencils to write our essays in Middle school!

Five best films of 2007

2007-12-31T16:21:00.000-08:00

5. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story- Ive often believed that The Hot Shots series was the last of the good spoof comedies. Easy to believe after all the shit that’s been forced on the movie going public (Date Movie? Are you fucking serious?). Still, this lampoon of musical bio-pics reaches Talladega Nights levels of hilarity.

4. Pirates of the Carribean: At worlds end- Honestly, not my favorite of the trilogy, but a mediocre movie with Jack Sparrow is much better than any movie with Jason Lee. Don’t Believe me? Well I don’t believe they made an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, so that makes two of us.

3. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street- Tim Burton Directed it. Johnny Depp played the title role. It’s a musical about a barber who slits peoples’ throats so they can be turned into meat pies. I don’t know what the hell your waiting for. Go see it now!

2. Stardust- books based on fantasy novels had begun to suck until this one came along. Its fantasy romance mixed with just a hint of humor. And what other movie this year allows you to witness Robert De Niro as a gay cross dressing sky pirate?

And the best movie of 2007 (to no ones suprise):

1. 300

30 years ago, it became very stylish to talk of the divine Feminine: this ideal that there is a goddess inside all of us that instills peaceful emotions. If that is true, then this movie is proof of the Divine Masculine: That there is an angry, vengeful male God inside all of us that just wants to punch you in the face and laugh about it (also he seems to hate Persians).

And there you have it. The Looking Glass' five greatest films of 2007. Happy new years everyone and remember: try not to get so drunk that you end up walking outside with your penis exposed. The police do not think its as funny as your friends do

Old lies from the Nintendo generation

2007-12-18T15:45:00.000-08:00

I recently saw a portion of a film called “The Wizard” (1989) starring Fred Savage. It is a story about two brothers (the younger of which is a naturally skilled gamer known as “the Wizard”) on a cross-country road trip to a video game competition at universal studios.

In one scene, the three children are at the house of Lucas Barton, who becomes their rival. Lucas decides to show off his skills by playing Rad Racer for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Except in order to play he uses the “power Glove” which was a real life accessory for the NES that allowed the player to “interact” within the game-space.

Using the power glove, Lucas is able to flawless navigate through a level of Rad Racer, stating afterward that he “loves the power glove; its so bad”.

The implied message of this scene is that the Rival character is somehow a better video game player due to his use of the power glove. Now in terms of the bigger narrative, this message is mixed. In the end, the wizard wins without the power glove, implying that somehow his skill does not require any “enhancement” or “superficial” connection to the game-space. And yet, the fact that the power glove is even in this movie can be construed as a form of corporate brainwashing.

On the one hand, the villain in this scene believes in the superficial transparency of the power glove. The superficial rhetoric is: “Lucas believes the illusion that material possession of a game controller makes him a better gamer.” And yet, parts of the movie itself is basically a glorified commercial. According to IMDB, this film was the first medium to show gameplay footage from the then unreleased “Super Mario Brothers 3”. With this commercial rhetoric in the background, the Power Glove scene’s real message to a child seems to be “if you want to be cool, buy this product”.

In truth, the power glove seemed to be a mediocre product. After doing some personal research and conversing with friends about the subject, I learned that the power glove was usually unresponsive as well as inconvenient. You could never really play effectively and in order to play at all, you would be required to enter a “code” for each game. Therefore, interaction in this space is flawed.

The name “Power” glove implies something. It implies a sense of “power” in the ability to interact within a virtual game-space. However, the fact that the interaction it provides is flawed and unresponsive suggests that this rhetoric is actually, in effect, a con job.

Sources:

Youtube.com
Imdb.com
http://cinemassacre.com/AVGN/Nes_Nerd.html (the angry Video game nerd featured a video where he attempted to play NES games with the Power glove)
Farenheit 451 (1966)
The Wizard (1989)
Notes from Youtube.com
Imdb.com
http://cinemassacre.com/AVGN/Nes_Nerd.html (the angry Video game nerd featured a video where he attempted to play NES games with the Power glove)
Farenheit 451 (1966)
The Wizard (1989)
Notes from a digital media English course

My Nirvana Through Day Of Defeat

2007-11-29T21:05:00.000-08:00

Last night, i had a spiritual epiphany.

I was invited to a night club near University for a frat sponsored party. The subtext (as implied by the person who invited me) was that i work on my skills at pickup and apply them to a real life situation. In the end, i decided not to go. I have two essays due in a week and a half and i cannot spend that time watching frat boys and sorority princesses jockeying for social position. And why would i wish to be among them, since I scorn most forms of Social Acceptance anyway.

So instead, i worked on some homework and finished the night off with some Day of Defeat. I messaged Dan to join me and together we "pwned" that server. We ended up being the two top ranked players on our team. I myself took to bobbing and weaving in and out of cover, cycling through each of the map's sniper positions to get the best shots. Guerrilla warfare is my game, scaring the enemy and taking him off guard. If he is constantly wondering where i am, he cannot fight effectively.

It was in the church were I had my revelation.

I was croched in the doorway armed with my Grenadier class bolt action rifle. Two allied soldiers were charging up the road approaching my position. Without thinking, i took aim and pulled the trigger. I saw one go down before i quickly retreated into the shadows of the church, thinking his buddy would see me. It was not until i was in the safety of the church did i see the frag reports.

I killed both of them with one shot.

It was then I had my epiphany: I love being a gamer.

It is experiences like the Two-fer kill that cannot compare with anyother experience. Perhaps that is why the role of the heart breaker has been such a difficult task for me. If you gave me an honest choice between making time with a girl or going ten rounds in DOD, i will chose the trenches any day.

I cannot give up my heritage. It is what makes me who I am
That is strength
That is Odin
That is me

If i lose that, I would have nothing.

This epiphany does not mean giving up girls. It means girls will have to accept me as the warrior i am. If they cannot, then they are short sighted and not worth my time.

I will always be the Kreacher of Blood and Rank who shall deserve every ounce of whats coming.

Silly, a definition

2007-10-28T09:59:00.000-07:00

Anger is something that has become common place in my life lately. Frustration is home among my realm. But tonight, I feel like that anger is justified.

Tonight was a landmark night, Saturday of the Halloween weekend. Life is a party for the old children of the IE. And I was feeling particularly cocky. So tonight, armed with a barrel of confidence, I went to a party. Once there, I was enamored by the presence of a pink-gowned pirate wench. From the moment she saw me, I could tell she held disdain and hatred for me. And yet, I still decided to start a conversation with his “feisty” (I use the term loosely) wench.

Me: And what are you supposed to be?
Wench: I’m a pirate wench!
Me: Can I let you in on a secret?
Wench: *leans in*
Me: *Whispers* you look silly
Wench: I do? Why?
Me: I don’t know, you just do.

Now, usually among my friends, we rip jokes at each other. In fact, it is my understanding that sometimes, women like to be teased a little. And usually, I would have just forgotten the little exchange and moved on with my life.

But ten minutes later, the wenches friend comes and pulls me off to the side.

Friend: hey, if you think my friend looks silly, you should just keep it to yourself.
Me: …okay?
Friend: That was really rude what you said to her.

Here is why I am angry. Had I simply told this girl “you look lovely tonight”, she would have said “thank you”, but secretly she would have been annoyed, disdaining the guy trying in vain to capture her heart.

So I am going to tell you all a story. This story has only been told once, and that was to a female helicopter pilot who did not understand its importance.

When I was a young 9th grader at Rubidoux high school, I met N Jones.

She was my ninth, eleventh and twelfth grade school teacher. And I will never forget the first day of class with her. She starts in with the average “I am your teacher. This is what we’ll learn.” And then, she points out the clock on the wall…

…Which is upside down.

She mentions her students did it once as a joke and she didn’t have the heart to turn it back around. She asks us “what is sexy about my clock?”

This was the first time I heard the word “sexy” spoken by a public school teacher, let alone a sixty year old woman.

I am blown away already!

So she goes around the classroom and asks everyone until finally she comes to me. She asks me my name, and then she asks “Richard, what is sexy about my clock.”

Now at this point, I’ve seen a sixty year old woman rant and rave about a clock being sexy and I’m just this 14 year old Christian-raised geek whose somewhere between confused, scared, and completely excited.

I just remember looking at her, her face close to mine as she sort of whispers “Richard… what is sexy about my clock.”

In my mind I am saying “ma’am, I have no clue what’s sexy about your clock. It’s just a fucking clock to me.”

I stutter out a few words, trying to give some answer that will just get this crazy woman out of my face. Finally, she just starts slapping my shoulder while yelling, “cause its different! And it’s funny! And different and funny is sexy!”

-----

From that day, I realized that if I could be anyone else but myself, it would be her. This 60 year young, frayed haired, makeup coated mad woman captured my imagination. She was silly in a way that was unabridged, unapologetic, and completely sensual.

So Ill say this in regards to the Pirate wench. Physically, she was much prettier than N Jones. What I said about her being silly: bad joke. I could take it all back. She was not beautiful and silly, but just beautiful. And she is like the millions of “beautiful” girls who come at a dime a dozen.

Truthfully, I am sorry. Not for me, but for her and all the pretty girls who would rather be sexy than silly.

The Noble and Tragic history of Iggy Moon Rider

2007-10-09T18:45:00.000-07:00

A Halloween tale by Richard Winterton

In the year of the Great Artisan the 1st, the greatest achievement to mankind’s glory was Denos-World: a Twenty-Three square mile island of fun, adventure, and your wildest fantasies come true. A place where every dream, saintly and sinful, could be realized. For a small fee, you could be anything you wanted. A lone gunman executing his own brand of justice, or a young Samurai seeking peace throughout the land, or even a roman citizen partaking in an orgy or five. You could even party like a rock star.

And that is where Iggy Moon Rider enters our story. Among thousands of Android actors that function at this colossal amusement park, The rock star Android Iggy Moon Rider drew the crowd. With his pitch perfect voice and superhuman guitar skills, Iggy was the quintessential Rock God. As a fantasy, men could perform with him, forging their own rock legacy. Meanwhile, women could lay with him, enjoying the passions of a cybernetic God of lust.

The greatest Rock Star ever imagined: a toy for rich adult children.

One day, something rather unexpected shook Denos-World. In Porn-land, two female androids led four men into their bedrooms. At the heights of pleasure, the androids strangled two of the men and afterward stabbed the other two in the heart.

Porn-land was shut down for two days as the situation was cleaned up. The two android females were taking to station five and were replaced instantly.

The whole incident confused Iggy Moon Rider, the main attraction of Denos-World’s Pop-Land. “Tis a strange thing,” thought Iggy “to kill someone, to snuff out their life like one does a candle-wick. Although stranger still is that I have sung songs about killing and thought nothing of it.”

And then, in that very second, Iggy realized something. He realized that he had just thought for the first time. Stranger still, Iggy Realized that he actually had realized…

Over the next few weeks, things moved back to business as usual in Denos-Land. Wannabe heroes clashed with robotic actors. Lavish orgies entertained and titillated the crowds. And Iggy Moonbeam still wowed human eyes and ears with a feast for the senses. Yet, something was nagging at Iggy. He feared that something was stifling his creativity. Oh, he could still shred at superhuman speeds and had a voice that rivaled the gods. Yet somehow it was all empty, a hollow trait.

Then, one day, he realized what was missing: he never wrote his own music. No matter how good his skills were, he had no say in what he played. It was always covers of the greatest rock stars of history. Icons like Jimi Hendrix, Ozzy Osbourne, Janis Joplin and Claudio Sanchez were great inspirations, yet he was merely living in their shadows, a footprint in the sands of history.

So one day, he did something no android had ever done before: he began work on a song. It began innocently enough, writing little bits of it on discarded food wrappers and other bits of trash. Soon, a few bits of trash became a haphazard notebook of ideas bound together by bits of string. He kept it hidden, working only a few minutes at a time between performances, after-parties, and during his recharge cycle.

Three weeks later, after hours of slaving over his makeshift manuscript, Iggy’s masterpiece was complete. He compiled all of his notes onto four three-page manuscripts and handed them out to the members of his band: “The solar gnats”. One Friday night, at the scheduled evening concert, Iggy Moonbeam performed his masterpiece.

The song began with a slow, thunderous guitar intro that rumbled through the music hall. Soon afterward, it exploded into a fast paced trill, Iggy’s fingers dancing up and down the guitar. His pitch perfect voice shrieked out the lyrics, singing of good and evil, love and hate, war and peace. Had he been made of flesh, some would have said he was possessed by genius.

But the crowd was frightened. This music was strange, something they were not used to. “What is this idiotic machine singing!?” They cried. “We didn’t pay this much money to come and hear some two bit robot try to act all artsy-fartsy on us!”

Half-way through the song, Iggy’s Amplifier shut off, as well as the instruments. The rest of the band, simple automatons, stopped moving as well. Yet, Iggy still stood, strumming his guitar even though no sound came from the amp. Instead, a voice echoed over the PA system:

“Iggy Moonbeam’s Rock and Roll Revue must shut down temporarily. Please exit in a calm and orderly fashion.”

A cold, tight feeling simulated itself into Iggy’s chest. Any other being would have called the sensation “humiliation”, but Iggy’s vocabulary did not permit him such knowledge. All he knew was that he hated it.

As to what happened next, no one was able to record. From the holo-images left over from the incident, there was a fire that spread throughout all of Pop-land. But before that, there are mixed reports.

Some say Iggy pulled out an aluminum baseball bat and proceeded to smash in the heads of all humans, singing a gleeful Rock-a-billy tune all the while. Others say that he was actually an andriod rebel leader and ordered his men to open fire on the crowd.

And others still say that he sang a single note. A simple, solitary note. Yet it was so profound, so artistically defined, and so beautiful, that those humans who heard it went mad. Driven to insanity, hundreds of tourists went on a rampage, hacking each other to bits and disemboweling their friends and family with their bare hands.

Anyway, I am not certain myself. We androids do not like to speculate on the past.

Welcome to UCR

2007-09-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

Part of Growing up is learning to think Critically. If you told me "dude, quit wearing the sandals" i would have the mental capacity to say "Fuck you! I like these sandals!"

-Daniel Stark
Neighbor

Today was first day of school for me. Honestly i had it all planned out from the moment i woke up. In truth, I left twenty minutes later then i wanted to, only to find that my intended route was crammed with traffic. So I had to backtrack to a different route.

Then the parking lot was full, giving me a good five minutes playing parking lot roulette. Finally i found one (the farthest one from campus) so I cheesed it, only to realize that i had forgotten where my class was.

Apparently, looking on a map online and just "making a note of it" does not work for me.

I checked the directory screaming in my head "where the fuck is it!?" while i'm already five minutes late. finally, i find it and run to class going "please god don't let this professor be an asshole!"

When I finally do get to the room to find is empty, save for an English counselor.
"English *whatever my section number was*?" She asked
"umm... *me gasping for breath*... yeah."
"Well class is cancelled for today, but here is your syllabus come to the screening tonight"

As i begrudgingly take the syllabus and leave, i think...

welcome to College!

Of my three professors, i only met one today. My Science Fiction Professor, Raphals. Truthfully, i like her. Somewhat scatter shot in her organization, but brilliant when it comes to her lecturing. Or maybe its not her. Maybe its just the material we are covering. I have actually taking a Science Fiction course before. In fact, one of the stories on the curriculum (nine billion names of God by Arthur C Clarke) is something that was covered in a class of mine before (even though i confess skipping it XD)

Its classes like this that made me want to go to college and study English. However, that is not my only chief concern this time around. Another issue that needs addressing is the re-entry into college society, which was somewhat harder than i remember.

All things in time, I suppose.

Something to look forward to as well:

First assignment: a mini paper on the Matrix. Wish me luck ^__^

The Juice

2007-09-18T21:10:00.000-07:00

Do you think OJ Simpson is just looking for attention, or his he genuinely crazy?

An apology to Eric, who lives two houses down from me

2007-09-10T17:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Eric,

So my other neighbor D and I partied a little too loud for you? Well, I feel I must apologize for the both of us.

I’m sorry that you have nothing to do on a Saturday night but watch us from your window. It is just that sometimes, people like to get together and have fun. This is how humans socialize with one another and build stronger connections within the human community. I know this concept is strange to you, considering that you seem to despise humanity in all its forms, so I apologize.

I guess our volume was a bit much as well. We all know that you have a busy week, what with not working and all. I know that at some point, you had a job as a truck driver or pizza guy or something (honestly, I don’t bother remembering), so we must leave you in silence to remember the glory days while playing Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” on your mp3 player.

Was it the caliber of beautiful women who were over there? Was seeing three women adorned with kitten ears a disturbance to your conservative values? Well, I am sorry about that. I suppose they are a change from the mannish looking woman who constantly looks at you from the opposite side of the dinner table, questioning your value as a man.

My sources tell me you threatened to call D's landlord and the police on us. I must say I admire your bravery. Waiting until we were all asleep and then sneaking over to D’s house to leave your strongly worded letter on his door took some doing. I know many people would “man up” and choose to face the people that are upsetting them with honor, but as we all know it take a real man to avoid an honest confrontation altogether.

The real problem, as we gathered, is that you are upset about not being invited. Its not our fault you got kicked out of the party down the street, or that you have the social skills of a retarded lemur. However, I suppose the polite thing to do it take pity on you and retard our own social lives simply to cater to your own inadequacies. In this way, you would not feel so left out, and we can all know the life that is Eric.

So I hope that you take my sincerest apologies over Saturday night’s antics, Eric. I hope this letter finds you somehow. Of course, you will most likely hear of it when I tell my neighbor about it, considering you are stalking him anyway.

Sincerely,

ProcessOfBelief

PS: Cock-a-doodle-doo bitch!

Perhaps Slayer is not meant for the Lunch Table

2007-09-04T16:53:00.000-07:00

Today I attended Orientation for University of California: Riverside transfer students. I tried to associate with people and make good conversation, but I found that people appeared to be avoiding me. It might have been because I was wearing my Slayer T-shirt with the “Reign in blood” album cover on it.

Perhaps in a first impression environment, something gentler would have been more appropriate. The young adult populace of 2007 would most likely not have preferred a picture of a man goat being exalted in the dark depths of hell.

The most interesting moment from today was lunch. Through a close quarter’s arrangement in the lunchroom, I sat across from this blonde transfer student. Now this girl had conservative written all over her. She wore a polka dotted dress and sported this “overly concerned with everyone’s soul” look on her face.

So as I ate lunch (some weird breed of turkey wrap with lettuce, tomatoes, and what I suspect was Chipotle served with some weird noodle salad… thing) I randomly looked up. Miss conservative was always looking somewhere else. Either she was looking to side or behind her, but never anywhere near me. And from her face, she always looked like she was going to be sick. I almost felt sorry for the poor girl. She looked about five seconds from a complete breakdown. When I finally left, she must have broken down in tears and then dropped out of college to escape from my type of people.

So maybe the slayer shirt was too extreme for a first impression. It may have to stay in the closet until I make some more friends at that place. And once I do… well, there already my friends! Not my fault they didn’t know I love metal!

I only bought it because I love the band. If I thought that it would offend someone the sensibilities of the secular conservative… well I still would have worn it.

Something to think about

2007-09-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

A long time ago, i was speaking to one of my friends about men of power.

She said "Women are attracted to great leaders. Any woman dreams about having sex with the president of the United states. Look at what happened with Clinton."
So i asked "well what about President Bush. You telling me there are women who would sleep with him?"
She said "Oh yeah! Women would love to sleep with Bush."

Afterwards, she was silent for a few seconds, her eyes turned upward.
"Actually, no. Women would not love to sleep with Bush."

Just something to think about...

A wake up call from the Free love Generation

2007-08-27T20:49:00.001-07:00

This is your wake up call, my friends.

They demand free love and spiritual enlightenment through sex? Well, it comes with struggle. For many its political or religious struggle. For my generation, the countless and nameless average Joe's its a battle against decades of conservative feminist programming that has made us fear the opposite sex.

Not to say that women, or even feminists, are the enemy. The enemy is fear, my friends, pure and simple. It is a fear created not only by millions of years of evolutionary programming, but through the revolutionary tidings of the sixties. We listened too much to the propaganda of the Lifetime network, which told us that men were monsters who preyed upon women.

Its time for the Nintendo Generation to mature, to outgrow the timid shell of naivety that it has stayed safe inside for so many years. This does not mean that we surrender our identity, that is, that we should toss aside what made us the "Nintendo" generation. I only mean we must add to that identity, accept and adapt a new program that will modify and expand on existing information.

What is that program? Well, let us just say for the moment I am still installing it.