E3, or "how i learned to stop worrying and love Fallout 3

I seriously want to know why E3 is invitation only. It is obviously a press and industry event. I can understand that. But its not like they don't know people want to go to this thing. Who are they showing it off to then? Themselves? Are they just sitting in these conference rooms and show rooms going "weren't we so cool for coming up with this shit? But don’t show anyone on the outside. They cant play >__<"

Anyway, as one of the gaming peasants, who were not blessed with a game design degree from Devry, I must gather all my information on E3 from G4 and other media outlets. Getting my information from G4 has been, for lack of a better word, "sketchy" and "awkward", considering the fact that they feel compelled to advertise their new game show "Hurl", where contestants enter an eating contest before being sent through a gyroscope until they lose their constitutions and literally "Hurl".

I wish I was Joking, but that is a real show that someone green lit.

When not promoting public vomiting on cable Television, G4 does actually show footage of the various press events and game demos from this year’s conference. Here are some things that piqued my attention.

Fallout 3


I can pinpoint the exact moment when Fallout 3 ceased to be just another game for me and when I finally said "Jesus, I'm camping the line for this shit!" It was during the Microsoft press event when Todd Howard of Bethesda games said the following statement:

"... so I am going to switch to the Fat Man, which is a miniature nuclear bomb catapult."


0__0 <--- my expression.

Is Fallout 3 seriously giving players a world where people can launch nuclear weaponry from my shoulder?

Is this something I can actually do?

No longer must I rely on sluggish, confusing nuclear launch codes to wage atomic warfare! The future is here and it’s a nuclear bomb catapult!

Otherwise, I was surprised by the VATS mechanic, where the player can select specific body parts automatically on his enemies. I didn’t understand why a headshot causes someone’s arms and legs to spontaneously fly off, but I suppose that does not matter. All anyone needs to know about this game is that YOU GET A SHOULDER MOUNTED CATAPULT THAT LAUNCHES NUCLEAR BOMBS. And whenever you are compared to a shoulder mounted catapult that launches nuclear bombs, you are going to fucking lose.

Gears of War 2

Let’s be honest with ourselves: Gears of War 1 had a wonderful single player and CO-OP with a multi-player that could go fuck itself. There were a number of reasons for this, but the most specific reason was that the Gnasher (or shotgun, because calling it a Gnasher does not change the fact that its a fucking Shotgun) was Bullshit. You could land five perfect shots on your opponents head with your Lancer only to be insta-gibed by some ten year old rolling about and firing his shotty randomly and hitting you once on your foot. This of course meant that playing GOW as a cover based shooter was pointless, since your opponent could just rush up to your position head long and blow you away without consequence.

The remedy for this was that you had to pull out your shotty and roll around randomly like an epileptic frog until, by the grace of God, you could instagib him. This, of course, was a coin toss, and made the game ultimately unplayable for me.

Gears of war Dos (or 2, for the gringos) promises to remedy this with what Cliff Blezinski of Epic games calls "stopping Power", which stops rolling morons dead in their tracks with a hail of bullets. No more will I have to deal with the controller snapping frustration exploding from shotgun damage to my little toe.

Furthermore, GOW 2 offers much more in the game play department. The ability to pick up fallen enemies and use them as "meat" shields appeals to the crafty sadist in me in a way that no other game does. I also like the new head stomp animations. It seems that using your sniper rifle as a bludgeoning device to just beat your opponent to death is not only effective, but rather sporting as well.

Final Fantasy XIII on the Xbox 360

Hear that sound? That is the sound of a million Sony Fan-boys suddenly crying out in terror and suddenly silenced.

Who really can blame Final Fantasy Publisher Square Enix for jumping the PS3 exclusivity ship? Sony is in last place as far as console sales. Furthermore, when they do sell consoles they still lose money since the cost of making the damn thing is more than the retail price. Sony screwed up on a massive fucking level this generation. So it’s no surprise that Final Fantasy XIII will now see a version on the Xbox 360.

Funny thing though: I still know absolutely nothing about this game. I know there will be a girl in an industrial/cyberpunk/medieval fantasy world fighting bad guys but what else? Will it be in real time like FF XII was? Will it go back to turn based? No one tells us this shit. We need the info Square!

Anyway, look for more E3 coverage* in the following days!

(* and by coverage, I mean me talking about things I saw on G4)