Dear Eric,
So my other neighbor D and I partied a little too loud for you? Well, I feel I must apologize for the both of us.
I’m sorry that you have nothing to do on a Saturday night but watch us from your window. It is just that sometimes, people like to get together and have fun. This is how humans socialize with one another and build stronger connections within the human community. I know this concept is strange to you, considering that you seem to despise humanity in all its forms, so I apologize.
I guess our volume was a bit much as well. We all know that you have a busy week, what with not working and all. I know that at some point, you had a job as a truck driver or pizza guy or something (honestly, I don’t bother remembering), so we must leave you in silence to remember the glory days while playing Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” on your mp3 player.
Was it the caliber of beautiful women who were over there? Was seeing three women adorned with kitten ears a disturbance to your conservative values? Well, I am sorry about that. I suppose they are a change from the mannish looking woman who constantly looks at you from the opposite side of the dinner table, questioning your value as a man.
My sources tell me you threatened to call D's landlord and the police on us. I must say I admire your bravery. Waiting until we were all asleep and then sneaking over to D’s house to leave your strongly worded letter on his door took some doing. I know many people would “man up” and choose to face the people that are upsetting them with honor, but as we all know it take a real man to avoid an honest confrontation altogether.
The real problem, as we gathered, is that you are upset about not being invited. Its not our fault you got kicked out of the party down the street, or that you have the social skills of a retarded lemur. However, I suppose the polite thing to do it take pity on you and retard our own social lives simply to cater to your own inadequacies. In this way, you would not feel so left out, and we can all know the life that is Eric.
So I hope that you take my sincerest apologies over Saturday night’s antics, Eric. I hope this letter finds you somehow. Of course, you will most likely hear of it when I tell my neighbor about it, considering you are stalking him anyway.
Sincerely,
ProcessOfBelief
PS: Cock-a-doodle-doo bitch!
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4 comments:
FUCKING ROCK ON DUDE! Although, I have to admit, the "retarded lemur" made me squirt my drink out my nose.
But honestly, as the Infamous 'D' in your story, I will attest that I can not figure out this fucking Tool on the other Side. I played nice with the guy, even when he was lying through his Teeth to me. I've had to talk to my landlord to set things straight, I've played Damage control, not due to our parties, but because this guy Eric just can not live a minute without Drama (Come on, complaining about Dog shit smell cause I have not Mowed my lawn in under a week at that point, Bill [Landlord] are still pondering what the hell spawned that one.).
So my Decree, is Fuck that Tool. He's talked to us in the past, and honestly, it's not a fucking party every weekend or even every month here. And I am sorry his Wife shared the same fate as mine (can not sleep and having to work in the morning). But I will not apologize to someone that can not man up and Knock on that Door to drop another Threat (This is the 2nd Threat, not plea to cease, two different things there.) nor will I bow down to the kid on the playground that wants to run and cry to the yard duty teacher because he did not get picked to play kick ball with us. Call the Cops, Call the Landlord, Call someone who fucking cares. Next time, I'm inviting the neighborhood and we will form a Pool on who's landlord he calls first. As an Adult, Fuck him! As of the Child inside me, he Stinks and I am taking my ball and going home. =P
This was the best one yet Richard. I laughed my ass off. Perhaps that's partly do to being one of the larger contributors to said "Noise", but I suspect it has more to do with watching your writing style spread its wings, open it's sparkling golden claws, and rip that poor bastards head off. It's a pity he'll never read this.
Its refreshing to hear my writing style likened to a ravenous bird of prey, devouring unsuspecting victims as they commit their foul deeds ^__^.
Also someone should email this to him (if either of you bother to know his email), because such a flaming deserves to be observed by its target.
You should have taken a picture of the note and sent it in to Passiveagressivenotes.com maybe its .net i dunno.
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